The White House’s guide to Women’s History

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Women’s History Month is just around the corner. After the White House’s  respectful, well-informed, and successful celebration of Black History month, where we learned Frederick Douglas is *finally* getting recognized (and might still be alive), slavery was “just not good,” and Ben Carson’s dignity is yet to be found, we can only imagine what the Trump administration has in store for the women.

So what will we learn during women’s history month? Let’s explore, shall we?

1. Trump loves women

NEW YORK, NY - DECEMBER 4: Billionaire Donald Trump and his wife Ivana arrive 04 December 1989 at a social engagement in New York. (Photo credit should read SWERZEY/AFP/Getty Images)

Not necessarily history, but I sincerely doubt Donald Trump will give up the opportunity to spend all month talking about how much he loves the women. I mean, he loves them so much that he’s admitted he can’t control himself when he’s around them. Like to the point of committing a crime. Now that’s love.  🙂

2. Women don’t actually want rights

Abortion

According to the chief advisor to the president, Steve Bannon, feminists are “a bunch of dykes,” Planned Parenthood is comparable to the Holocaust and cancer is better for your child than feminism. So, obviously, the women’s rights movement is just a centuries-long cycle of PMS and we never actually wanted or deserved agency and rights to our own bodies. Silly us!

3. Only hot women get sexually assaulted 

Four beautiful women in black bikinis playing in the Ocean. Dynamic shot with water splashing and wind blowing through their hair. Nikon D810. Converted from RAW.

After several allegations of sexual assault, Trump defended himself by claiming the accusers weren’t attractive enough to be assaulted. Phew! Well, that settles it. No need to worry about sexual assault uggos. Finally, an upside to not conforming to Eurocentric standards of beauty!

4. Women let celebrities get away with anything

Paparazzi taking pictures of celebrities in limo

In the infamous Access Hollywood tape, Trump imparted a few words of locker talk wisdom to Billy Bush. Women let celebrities do anything to them, including “grab them by the pussy.” Trump is so right. 53 percent of white women did vote to let a celebrity fuck the country.

5. Black women are secretly very nice people

Intersectionality FTW! To kick off Black History Month, the White House hosted a “little breakfast” featuring the handful of black people Trump knows. During the event, Trump revealed former Apprentice star, Omarosa Manigault, was secretly “a very nice person.” Good to know! What other black women does Trump know are secretly nice? I don’t know about you, but I’m looking forward to learning whether or not Rosa Parks was a bitch.

6. Women in the same room can sync their periods

Women with huge monthly abdominal pain

Actually, this is pretty legit. It’s magic.