We, the Undersigned, Will Never Watch the NFL Again – Unless They Meet This List of Bigoted Demands


We, the undersigned, watched the NFL players, coaches, and executives kneel during or sometime around the National Anthem this past weekend. And, as we have defiantly announced via social media, letters to the editor, and general yelling, we are never watching the NFL again.

We have burned our season tickets, canceled our TV packages, and thrown away our jerseys — just as we promised to in the comment thread under the Seahawks/Titans box score.

But after several days’ reflection, we have decided that we really freakin’ love football. And so we are willing to give the NFL another chance — if they meet this list of demands.

1) Mandatory standing for the anthem. We love our military, and the military is about only one thing: complete and total decorum during the National Anthem. In a nuclearized world, we cannot risk the disbanding of the United States military. If NFL players sit or kneel or remain in the locker room as they did for most of the league’s existence, the North Koreans have already won.

2) Adding a “stick to sports” clause in all player contracts. Today’s players want to lecture us about social justice and raise awareness about the killing of unarmed black men, but they have no place to do that. Their station in life is chasing balls around, and anything involving public policy should be left to real estate developers, pest exterminators, and tugboat captains. Stick to sports, young men!

3) The return of helmet-to-helmet hitting. We have noted, from our collective barcaloungers, that the NFL has gotten soft. There used to be a time when men were men. Bring back the good old audible crunch of cranium-on-cranium.

4) No more mention of CTE. Watching football is supposed to be fun. All the talk of brain trauma by downers like Bob Costas and Bob Ley is inconsiderate. None of us personally has ever given another person head trauma (during a football game). So why should we be made to feel guilty if some or all of the NFL’s players have it?

5) More white quarterbacks. First of all, none of us are racist. In fact, we are probably the least racist people you’ll ever meet. Basically there are only a small handful of racists in the entire country, and they are all members of the New Black Panther Party and probably Antifa. So having established that, we want more white quarterbacks. Russell Wilson, Dak Prescott, and Cam Newton are great athletes, but do they have the game management skills and field vision required to play the game’s most important position? Those guys should switch to running back or defensive end, and leave the quarterbacking to pros like Aaron Rodgers, and also Scott Tolzien.

6) The tarring and feathering of Colin Kaepernick at mid-field. America is said to have many complex problems, but after much reflection, we’ve decided to ignore them and focus on hating Colin Kaepernick for reasons we are unable or unwilling to articulate. From this point forward, Kaepernick should never be referenced unless he’s simultaneously described as “ungrateful,” “spoiled,” “overpaid,” and “unpatriotic.” He should be gradually marginalized until, at his lowest point, he is dragged out to the middle of a football field and tarred and feathered. (Note: We are equally comfortable with this happening at a NASCAR track.)

Those are our demands. Meet them, and we will return to watching the NFL and frequenting its sponsors. Fail, and we will probably do the same thing but loudly claim that we aren’t.


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