WARNING: 5 Ways Obama Could Personally Try To Take Your Gun

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One of the most deplorable ways to politicize tragedy is to time and again strike fear of an impending mass firearm recall into the heart of every gun owner. Donald Trump recently claimed to have read in a newspaper that President Obama is “thinking about signing an executive order where he wants to take your guns away.”

The scary news is here are some ways Obama could very well do just that:

1. Obama moonlights as an illusionist, performing stage magic under the pseudonym Barack The Magnificent. He’ll start with the classics: pulling a rabbit from a hat, sawing a woman in half. Then he’ll say, “For my next trick, I’ll need to borrow someone’s Colt M1911.” Do not fall for this.

2. You’re at a bar having a smoke on the patio. Obama sidles up to you and trades standard smoker pleasantries. He then asks if he can use your handgun to light his cigarette. He then “accidentally” puts the gun in his own pocket, forcing you to constantly borrow your friend’s handgun for the remainder of the evening.

3. One day you check your email and notice the subject line “YOUR ASSISTANCE IS NEEDED.” In the email, a man claiming to be a Nigerian prince says he knows of a large quantity of unclaimed blood diamonds he cannot directly access. To retrieve the blood diamonds, he’ll need your assistance. “Send me the gun. All off [sic] your guns,” he’ll say. This is Obama attempting to scam you. Do not send him your guns.

4. You spot a disheveled man sitting on the sidewalk holding a sign that reads, “My children are hungry and can only eat guns. Anything helps.” Nice try, Barack.

5. Obama shows up at your front door and asks for a moment of your time to talk about a new and exciting innovation in home cutlery. You oblige. A gourmet chef’s knife. Powerful yet precise. Hefty yet maneuverable. It can cut through a shoe, he’ll say. It can even cut through a gun. Do not let Obama cut your gun in half with a kitchen knife.