Viacom CEO Remains Employed Despite Renewing CSI: Cyber

CSI: CyberRead

Philippe Dauman, Chief Executive of Viacom Inc., remained employed today despite an 11.3% drop in share prices and, more importantly, greenlighting the affront to retinas and frontal lobes everywhere known as CSI: Cyber.

In fact, Mr. Dauman earned $44.3 million in total compensation in 2015, a 19% raise from the previous year, according to a regulatory filing. Meanwhile watching Ted Danson instruct two programmers to use the same keyboard in order to “hack better” could cause people who use computers to commit seppuku—the samurai ritual of self-disembowelment

Somehow he was selected to replace 92-year-old majority-owner Sumner Redstone as executive chairman last week, a move that most bipeds would call “batshit crazy.” Mr. Redstone’s daughter Shari opposed the decision, saying, “It is my firm belief that whoever may succeed my father as Chair at each company should be someone who is not a Trustee of my father’s trust or otherwise intertwined in Redstone family matters, but rather a leader with an independent voice.” What she left out was “and he renewed a show about a sectagenarian leading the field of motherf*&king cyberpsychology.”

Philippe “What are emojis again” Dauman hit back at critics who think he is the human embodiment of nepotism. “Our outlook and the facts have been distorted and obscured by the naysayers, self-interested critics and publicity seekers,” Dauman said on a call with analysts, many of whom we imagine were stifling a great deal of  laughter.