What Trump’s Budget Would (Probably) Look Like If He Could Truly Go To Town On America’s Ass


President Trump’s budget will result in drastic changes to the country you’ve gotten used to over the past decade or so. “No shit,” you say, rather rudely I might add, “but where exactly will these changes be most tangible?” Not to worry – we’ve got you covered. Nice use of the word “tangible,” by the way.

Also, just for the record, these aren’t real. Sorry, but you gave us no choice but to make that as clear as possible.

Department of the Interior

  • At least two of the Mount Rushmore heads will be cut off
  • Decreases funding for Give The Mount Rushmore Guys Hats program by $120 million
  • Marginal increase in funding for research into whether or not there are huge stone genitals in the caves below Mount Rushmore

Department of Transportation

  • Air traffic control funding completely slashed under the so-called “You’re On Your Own” Act
  • Meals on Wheels now just Wheels
  • Eliminates funding for road safety PSAs in favor of new “Seatbelts Are For Pussies” campaign
  • Muscle cars don’t have to stop at stop signs anymore

Department of Agriculture


  • Cow tipping is now mandatory with parties of 6 or more people
  • Every single tree in the country will be cut down and sold, thereby solving the national debt crisis
  • 75% increase in pop-culture-related corn mazes

Department of Defense

  • Hell yeah! Fighter jets! Fighter jets! Fighter jets!
  • Oh, fuck yeah, baby! More frivolous military spending!
  • God fuckin’ bless America! Woo! USA! USA! USA!

Department of Education

  • National School Lunch Program replaced with a brochure featuring a cartoon dog explaining that vitamins are overrated
  • $350 million decreese in fumding towarbs varius speling programms
  • Magic School Bus to be sold for scrap