COLUMBIA, SC- Republican presidential frontrunner Donald J. Trump, who spent six decades amassing an Ivy League education, a real estate empire, internationally prominent friends, and several billion dollars, is on the verge of losing most of these in his quest to be liked by angry men with nicknames like Jimbo and BillyJack, sources reported Wednesday.
Analysts have marveled in horror as the New York-based tycoon continues to destroy his name and burn through his personal fortune for the privilege of being cheered by lightly-informed malcontents who may or may not be registered to vote.
Campaign insiders say Trump, whose most highly educated friends stopped speaking to him months ago, seems intoxicated by the boisterous crowds of racists, conspiracy theorists, and End of Days preachers who are willing to pack motor speedways throughout the South to hear him misquote statistics about immigration.
“I told him straight up: if you keep race-baiting about Muslims and Latinos and African Americans, I can’t be seen with you,” said a Wharton School of Finance classmate, speaking under condition of anonymity. “And he acted like he understood, but then five minutes later, he sees this guy in a Confederate flag t-shirt and starts talking about a Muslim registry. All so the dude will tweet a photo of them together!”
A CAFE study shows the profile of a typical Trump friend has changed dramatically since his campaign began. In November 2014, the average Trump acquaintance was a married 64-year-old MBA named Lawrence, based in metropolitan New York, with 2.6 college-educated children and a subscription to two major newspapers. One year later, the average Trump acquaintance is a twice-divorced 38-year-old backhoe operator named DeWayne, based in Arkansas with 4.9 children being homeschooled by their mother’s new husband.
The upheaval of Trump’s social circles has not sat well with members of his family, most notably his Slovenian-born wife Melania. Sources report that when longtime family friend Carl Icahn awkwardly backed out of a prior dinner date, Melania opted not to substitute in one of Trump’s newer friends, such as Alabama-based trucker Darren Lee Finley, who punched and kicked a Black Lives Matter activist at a recent rally.
“Melania needs to stop dwelling on the past,” said a former Trump business partner who divested in recent weeks. “Guys like Darren Lee Finley are the future of her social life. The high society cocktail parties are gone with the millions, the TV deals, and the educated friends. Donald knowingly gave that up because what he really wanted was to be cheered by angry, uninformed white guys named Darren Lee and Jimbo and BillyJack.”
“I mean, that’s why he’s giving up everything he’s worked for, right?” continued the source. “God, don’t tell me he thinks he can still win the presidency.”