TODAY’S NEWS: Trump Breaks Record For Most Racist Things A GOP Frontrunner Has Done In One Day, Again

(credit: Getty)


On this day in 2007, the MS Explorer, a cruise liner carrying 154 people, hit an iceberg and sank off the coast of Argentina, which is why you shouldn’t name your cruise ship to sound like a Microsoft product.


SOME REPUBLICANS HAVE BLASTED THE MEDIA by claiming that Donald Trump never really backed registering Muslims in a database. Trump just thought it was a neat concept because he liked the idea of putting Muslims into something he doesn’t know how to use.

ON SUNDAY, TRUMP EXPLAINED that he wouldn’t rule out a Muslim database and then effectively buried that story by going on a rampage of hate speech that would have sunk a normal campaign but immediately inspired his followers to carve his hair on all four presidents on Mt. Rushmore.

FIRST TRUMP suggested that thousands of Muslims celebrated the destruction of the Twin Towers on 9/11, which never happened. (They were actually celebrating the release of Mariah Carey’s Glitter.)

THEN WHEN HE WAS ASKED ABOUT a #BlackLivesMatter protester who was attacked at a Trump rally in Alabama, Trump said, “Maybe he should have been roughed up.”

PAT BUCHANAN OR RICHARD NIXON OR POSSIBLY EVEN JEFFERSON DAVIS would probably have stopped there. But they didn’t have Twitter.

TRUMP DECIDED TO TOP OFF HIS DAY by retweeting a graphic that falsely suggested that black people are responsible for most murders of black and white people based on statistics from the “Crime Statistics Bureau,” which doesn’t exist.

THE USE OF STATS THAT SUGGEST black people are unusually violent is more popular with racists than the torture scenes in 12 Years a Slave. And who knows if Trump knew the source of the data was a Neo-Nazi. It’s not like we need a president who checks that stuff.

OF COURSE, white people kill most white people and black people kill black people because of America’s very effective history of segregation by law and by custom.

IF YOU WANT A STATISTIC THAT ACTUALLY IDENTIFIES a group that’s dangerous to their fellow Americans, it turns out that men commit more than 90 percent of all murders. So how about a database that only tracks men?

I THINK THAT’S WHAT ASHLEY MADISON was trying to achieve.


IN TODAY’S CAFE, our new study shows that 99 percent of Bernie Sanders’ talking points focus on the top 1 percent of wealthy Americans.

AND TED CRUZ CLEARLY doesn’t see himself the way everyone else does.


WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU CAN’T JUST SAY “THE REST OF THESE IDIOTS ARE UNELECTABLE”—If you think the murders of scores of people in Paris was bad news, you’re obviously not a Republican candidate for president.

MARCO RUBIO HAS BEEN LOOKING FOR A CHANCE to highlight his brutish, babyish approach to foreign policy and he’s sure Paris is it.

“I OBVIOUSLY AM NOT HAPPY ABOUT THE EVENTS that happened last week in Paris, but I think it’s a positive development that it suddenly has forced Americans to confront more carefully the issue of national security,” Rubio said, obviously without imagining how these words would look in print.

PERHAPS A MORE POSITIVE DEVELOPMENT is that the U.S. has gone 14 years without a major terror attack that originated from abroad? But that’s not really positive if the economy is doing better than it has all century and you’re hoping to out-fear the scariest field of candidates ever assembled by man.


I WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO ANOTHER MOVIE ABOUT ROMNEY LOSING—Donald Trump is still dominating the polls in the early primary states — something other Republican joke candidates never managed to do.

UNDERSTANDABLY, REPUBLICAN VOTERS who don’t think the solution to Obamacare is to replace it with guns, Muslim databases and trucker hats are getting worried.

HOW WORRIED? Mitt Romney worried.

IF MITT WERE A CANDIDATE, he would be leading New Hampshire by a lot — 31 percent to Trump’s 15 percent, according to a new poll.

THE ONLY PROBLEM? The filing deadline for New Hampshire’s primary already passed.

MITT CAN EITHER FILE FOR THE NEXT PRIMARY or go down in history as the only human being who was ever intimidated by Jeb Bush.


LET’S SKIP THE AWFUL WAFFLE PUNTwitter users in Belgium were warned by the police not to share details of a anti-terror operation on Sunday night. So they did what you do when you’re on the Internet, can’t talk about terror and are bored by porn: You tweet cat pictures, really good cat pictures.

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