With the climate of our current state of affairs, things look bleak across the board. It’s in times like these though, that the greatness of the human imagination stands as a testimony to our fortitude as a people, and a nation.
With this spirit of innovation in mind, I’d like to suggest an alternative, better future — one in which Ol’ Dirty Bastard is resurrected and officially inaugurated as the President of the United States of America.
So in commemoration of #BlackHistoryMonth , here are my top 5 reasons why Osiris aka Big Baby Jesus aka Asun would be a vast improvement over the current schmuck holding down our office.
1. ODB really loves the kids.
So much so, homie ran out and bum rushed the 1998 Grammy Awards and interrupted Shawn Colvin’s “Sunny Came Home” Song of the year speech. This came after Puff Daddy (he was still “Puff” then” one Rap Album of the Year. ODB Kanye’d Shawn Colvin before Kanye Kanye’d Mike Myers, President Bush, Taylor Swift, etcetera, etcetera. ODB loved the kids, and he also loved speaking his mind, drunk or not drunk, high or not high. You gotta respect a man who also said fuck being Hip-Hop and wore a suit straight out of The Godfather trilogy, to the Grammy’s. Ya’ gotta love Asun.
2. His cabinet would be way more official.
Come on…Ghostface with his fucking golden eagle arm/wrist whatever thing he likes to wear, Method Man smoking at least 15 blunts before addressing the public, Raekwon giving the press and everybody a tour of the facilities and color coordination happening in the house (watch the whole video, but please feel free to skip to the 5:19 minute mark), RZA talking like someone’s depressed, drunk old ass uncle, U-God in the back rapping and no one listening; this is the kind of White House I imagined when Chris Rock made a movie about him becoming president (it was really bad, don’t watch it.)
3. He appreciates food stamps (2:00 minute mark).
At a time when services for the under-served and underrepresented are facing the possibility of extinction under a Trump regime, ODB is our hero. In all seriousness, the contrast of Ol’ Dirty bastard in a limo with his children, followed by them driving to the Human Resources Administration offices to get food stamps, in today’s world would be considered high-art. ODB was ahead of his time. And was also not afraid of stating boldly he was a welfare recipient, despite the “advance” of $45,000 the label paid him, along with the other members of Wu-Tang Clan. But, I mean, Trump also went bankrupt about fifty leven times, so ODB using the system to get ahead in his life is practically the American way. I mean, come on, “slavery” anyone?
4. He got burnt by gonorrhea. TWICE. AND ADMITTED IT (1:50 minute mark…but, please watch the whole video).
We damn near had to put Bill Clinton in front of the firing squad before he admitted that he was in the same room as Monica Lewinsky. Trump had to get caught on video mentioning violating the female anatomy. ODB? ODB looked in a camera with Kurt Loder watching him behind the lens probably doing the “smh” emoji before we even knew what “smh” meant, and said “I (“I” being ODB) got burnt by gonorrhea. Twice.” You want to talk about a president who is going to give it to ya’ straight, no chaser? Between him and Clint Eastwood’s invisible chair, my vote, money, and STD safety, is on ODB.
5. He walked the streets of Brooklyn barefoot.
My man was really for the people. And abnormally high, almost all the time, unfortunately. But, still. My man was outside getting interviewed with the crew over at Ghettonomics, who, if you wasn’t from NYC or at least lived here in the early to mid-90’s, you wasn’t hip to Bronx Net and all the beautiful offerings local cable access rap shows had to offer – like listening to ODB rattle off John Singleton, Smoothe Da Hustla, Jay Z and Montell Jordan in the same breath. We’re still awaiting that “The Black Man is God” album, and panther to come around with that “get high”.
We miss you and love you, Russell Jones. And Donald Trump, holla at us the next time you go goose hunting.