Judges Uphold Tom Brady’s Suspension for Deflating Footballs & Their Manhood

DENVER, CO - JANUARY 24: Tom Brady #12 of the New England Patriots reacts in the second half against the Denver Broncos in the AFC Championship game at Sports Authority Field at Mile High on January 24, 2016 in Denver, Colorado. (Photo by Ezra Shaw/Getty Images)

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell may not be the brightest guy in the world. He may simply be a senator’s son who’s never held a job outside the NFL. He may be a stuffed suit propped up by Jerry Jones and that Geraldo Rivera lookalike who owns the Jaguars.

But this is America, and what’s great about America is it doesn’t matter if you’re a lightly-educated silver spoon corporate fistpuppet: You’re still allowed to gum up the court system with lawsuits about deflated footballs, just like anyone else.

Actually more than anyone else. And after a 20 month saga and two trials, Goodell has finally gotten the verdict he wanted: He’s allowed to suspend Patriots quarterback Tom Brady for 4 games for possibly telling a team assistant to deflate footballs during the first half of a game he won by 35 points.


Brady, banned from the league for a month, will be forbidden from taking weekly hits from 250 pound linebackers, and will instead be remanded to a bed with wife Gisele Bundchen, causing millions of men nationwide to inquire about how they, too, can deflate some footballs.

Brady has received support from presidential candidate and noted athlete sycophant Donald J. Trump, who told a Rhode Island crowd that Goodell should “leave Tom Brady alone” — drawing on his own expertise running the USFL into the ground.

Then again, Trump might benefit from a Brady suspension. The future Hall of Famer would be banned from the league in September — near the height of the general election season — and could hit the trail in support of his blowhard friend. They have so much in common: a love of golf, a foreign model wife, and a nemesis named Ted (Senator Ted Cruz and lawyer Ted Wells, respectively).

Also in common: Zero understanding of the U.S. government.

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