This Thanksgiving, I’m Owning the Libs

Read
Getty Images

As a great philosopher once said, you can’t make America great again without owning a few libs. And god, there are so many ways to do it.

Wearing a diaper to bravely fight for freedom of speech? Owning the libs.

Being late because you won’t get into a cab driven by a brown person? Owning the libs.

Getting banned from two ride-sharing services because you won’t get into a cab driven by a brown person? Owning the libs.

Firing your rifle in a pizza place while demanding to see where John Podesta keeps the child sex slaves? Owning the libs.

Getting sentenced to four years in prison for doing that? Owning the libs.

Blaming your inability to remember basic facts about your kids on a big bowl of chili?

You guessed it: Owning. The. Libs.

Of course, libs are so sensitive you don’t even need to go outside to own them. I just go on Facebook and spend dozens of hours every week arguing about how all lives matter, women always lie, and lazy immigrants are stealing all our jobs.

In fact, I owned them so hard I was disinvited from Thanksgiving like a conservative student from college. My parents did say I could come if I didn’t talk about politics, but how dare they oppress my freedom of speech like that? How can supposedly tolerant liberals be so intolerant of my intolerance?

Fortunately, my hours of dedication to making America great again also helped me find my new family: MAGA_GOKU and PedoEichmann88. We connected on Facebook while looking up what really happened to Seth Rich. Like me, they also owned their lib families and had nowhere to go for the holidays. After a bit of friendly banter about which racial slurs we’d say if it wasn’t for reverse racism, we’re meeting up this Thanksgiving.

Even our meal is going to own the libs. The main course will be Papa John’s and burnt steak, washed down with raw milk I bought with bitcoins from a libertarian. We’re also going to drink onion juice to boost our testosterone levels, which are, of course, incredibly high already.

There is so much to be thankful for this year. Trump is president! Republicans control both the Senate and the House. And while they keep threatening to make our lives materially worse in every possible way, from healthcare to net neutrality, it’s really fun to watch libs get so mad about it. Tens of thousands of people might needlessly die, but can you just imagine all those liberal tears?

Simply epic.