With apologies to President Trump, there is one person above all others who embodies the conservative movement in America. His name is Ted, he lives in Texas, he makes women uncomfortable, and — sit down, Senator Cruz. We’re talking about Ted Nugent.
For years now, “The Nuge” has been at the forefront of all things Republican — so here are 7 Nugent masterpieces that help explain why.
The perfect anthem for a party whose candidate was endorsed by Stormfront, The Daily Stormer, and that weird skinhead guy who’s silently pounding Jagermeister at the end of the bar. (To be fair, this song accuses the other side of being Nazis, but that also fits the 2017 GOP. Now you may stand, Senator.)
2. “Wang Dang Sweet Poontang“
Much like any current West Wing occupant not named “Jared” or “Kellyane,” this song about masturbating in front of a teenager makes young women extremely uncomfortable.
3. “Free For All“
This is more or less a paraphrase of President Trump’s description of his health care plan, which will be the best healthcare, with the most doctors, the best doctors, so cheap it’s practically free, I will tell you, we will have such health care, Arnold’s ratings were a disgrace, painful to watch, SAD, should have been Ivanka.
Trump won the Republican nomination by pledging to bring back torture, and he won the general election courtesy of a country that never abandoned it in the first place. Now to be accurate, The Nuge’s song is less about military torture and more about a sexual predator who is stalking his ex — but the title is still a perfect fit!
5. “Cat Scratch Fever“
As Mike Huckabee prepared to launch his 2016 campaign, he schlubbily played bass on Fox News while Nugent belted out this clunker. You wouldn’t think that a song with the lyric “I make the pussy purr with the stroke of my hand” would be the socially conservative Huck’s pick, but what was he supposed to choose instead? “Wang Dang Sweet Poontang”?
6. “I Am The NRA“
Yes, this song really exists. In 2008, The Motor City Madman (as Nugent was once called before Texas lured him with some Sweet Poontang) was commissioned to write this song for the National Rifle Association. Presumably they passed on the runner-up option: Charlton Heston slipping references to Glocks and AR-15s into Shakespeare soliloquies.
7. “Wang Dang Sweet Poontang“
Again? Hell yes, again! Last year in the run-up to the Iowa caucuses, Ted Nugent told Newsmax that “Donald Trump is as close to Ted Nugent as you’re going to get in politics.” And when you read the lyrics to this song back-to-back with the transcript of Trump’s Access Hollywood tape, it makes all the sense in the world.
*Editor’s note: Out of respect to the GOP, we did not include “Jailbait” or “I Am A Predator.” You’re welcome, Republicans.