The Oregon Militia Standoff, Clarified (A CAFE “CLARIFIER”)

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(credit: Getty)

This weekend, a group of men made good on their New Year’s resolution to seize control of a federal building by taking over a wildlife refuge in Oregon. Their reason? To challenge the burgeoning “tyranny” of the U.S. government. Here’s everything you need to know:

What is Oregon?

Oregon is a state on the west coast sandwiched between California and Washington. Oregon’s official state nut is the hazelnut. Oregon is the only state with an official state nut.

Any of these militiamen noteworthy?

No.

Really? No immediate family of a prominent 2014 news figure?

No. Wait, actually, remember Cliven Bundy? The Nevada rancher who engaged in an armed standoff with federal agents over his cattle? His sons Ammon and Ryan are there.

How was this organized?

The men rallied fellow patriots via Facebook with this video.

They keep saying the acronym BLM in that video. They have a problem with Black Lives Matter?

Ah, common mistake. BLM actually refers to the Bureau of Land Management, an agency within the United States Department of Interior created in 1946 by Harry S. Truman that manages more than 245 million acres of public land primarily located in western states, as well as 700 million acres of sub-surface mineral estate throughout the nation. But to answer your question, uh, yeah probably.

Why are they doing this?

These 100+ men were two days into super lame New Year’s resolutions assigned to them by their wives and girlfriends, and are now engaged in a prolonged “dudes’ night out” under the guise of overthrowing the federal government. Who among us can honestly say we’ve never given thought to staging a coup d’état with the fellas, just to get away for the weekend?

Why are they really doing this?

Father and son Dwight and Steven Hammond set fire to public land in 2012 and were imprisoned for arson. They now have to return to prison under a provision of an expansive federal law punishing terrorism. The goal of the takeover is to intimidate the federal government into handing government-controlled land over to the local ranchers, miners, and loggers.

Huh?

A teenager named Kevin’s mom caught him smoking what she thought was a cigarette and grounded him for a week, then realized a year later it was in fact a joint and grounded him for an additional month. Kevin’s friends thought this was unfair and seized control of a federal building to combat the tyrannical reign of Kevin’s mom.

Why are they all armed?

The militia brought along their guns in the event they need to fight back against a government with roughly 39 percent of the world’s military expenditures including launch codes to over 7,000 nuclear warheads.

How will this end?

Ammon Bundy will finally identify the militiamen as a domestic terrorist group. Playing off the name al-Qaeda, he will name the group al-Bundy and we will all have a good laugh.