America’s Most Important New Year’s Resolutions for 2016

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New year, new goals! Let’s take a look at some of the most popular resolutions Americans are making for 2016.

Save money. The first week of 2016, put $1 in your savings account. Week two, put $2 in there. Week three, make it $3. By week 52, Donald Trump could have conceivably been elected president of the United States. Seriously, how messed up is that?

Quit smoking. There’s no better time than now to kick mankind’s deadliest habit. Experts suggest avoiding situations that trigger your urge to light up, such as drinking socially or suavely walking away from an explosion.

Finally stop saying Courteney Cox-Arquette. It’s been three years, man. Time to let go.

Run a half marathon. Look at you. You ran 13.1 miles and have the bumper window decal to prove. I mean, yeah, they don’t give Academy Awards to half-finished movies, and you’d certainly never see a “My Grandson Made It Through Six Weeks Of Marine Corps Recruit Training” bumper sticker. But sure, give yourself a pat on the back there, champ.

Lose weight. Diets never seem to work, but a few minor tweaks to your current eating habits very well could. Shed that pesky belly fat once and for all by exercising portion control, chewing your food more slowly, and humiliating yourself into weight loss by eating each meal from a trough.

Eat fewer spiders. One old wives tale claims that the average human swallows eight spiders a year in their sleep. Get it over with by voluntarily eating eight spiders on January 1st.

Spend less time on your phone. When’s the last time you looked at the sky? Like, really looked at it. Hm? Don’t remember? That’s because you’ve been gaping uninterrupted at your precious glowing rectangle for almost a decade now. Pathetic. I’d wager you don’t even know who the president is, do you, Phoney McPhone? What’s that? No? That’s right, you don’t know squat, pal. It’s a black guy. Huh? Oh, Hawaii, I think. Yeah. There was actually a whole ordeal about it a few years ago. Had to release his birth certificate or something. It was weird. Pardon? Oh, n-n-no, lots of people still don’t.