The Hillary Clinton Holiday Gift Guide

(DON EMMERT/AFP/Getty Images)

Ha ha ha! Wow! What a privilege and an honor it is to be presenting you with this incredible, strong, proud, independent gift guide for your Kwanza, Hanukkah, World AIDS Day, early Ramadan, and Christmas shopping.

Ha ha ha! Can you hear me clapping my hands in rhythm with your culture’s rich musical tradition? Please enjoy these gift ideas for the man, woman, transitioning man, transitioning woman, non-gender-binary individual, and center-left investment banker on your list!

A Newborn Granddaughter (free, with paid Obamacare premiums)

hillary clinton gift guide
(credit: Kamyl Bazbaz)

If you could only describe me, Hillary Rodham Clinton, in a single word, I hope that word would be “grandmother.” And trust me, of the many millions of things I have received in my life, a granddaughter is the most precious of them all, and I encourage you to give one to that special strong, proud, independent woman on your list. Mine came in white, but there’s a wide variety available.

A Hyphen (free) –

At this seasonal time of plenty, there’s one thing above all others that I want to give thanks for: micro-targeted identity politics. By making your loved one a Hyphenated-American (do you get my meta-joke there?), you can let them participate in this rich tradition. They can be an old standby like an African-American or an Asian-American, or something new and fresh like an Undergraduate-American, an Aspergers-American, or an Allergic-American. They’ll know the gift has kicked in when they start receiving targeted mail from my campaign!

A Story To Tell (free) – As Americans, we all have a story to tell, but if someone on your list doesn’t have one, make that your gift this holiday season! Maybe your gift will leave them with a story about venturing out in the cold New Hampshire winter to volunteer for my campaign, or maybe it’s a story about you both writing to Congress to say “stop the wasteful Benghazi witch hunt!” Whatever that story ends up being, I want to hear about it and purse my lips and nod empathetically.

A Sheryl Crow CD (free, if you get one from me)

hillary clinton gift guide
(credit: Getty)

I am so honored to have the support and endorsement of 1995 Grammy® Award Winner Sheryl Crow! Wow, Sheryl has been so generous to my campaign. She has shown up at so many of my rallies and played her strong, proud, independent music. Sometimes I don’t even realize Sheryl is there and then: Bang! She’ll have been standing behind me for several minutes. Ha ha ha! Sheryl has brought our campaign a lot of free CDs, including some recent ones she has self-released. You go, Sheryl! Anyway, if you stop by our campaign offices, you can definitely have some Sheryl Crow CDs for the people on your list. Bring a large bag and fill ‘er up!

A Lawyer on Retainer ($2,400,000) – If you’re like Bill and me, you don’t need any more things in your life. So instead of getting your loved ones the next iGadget, get them something they could truly use: a lawyer on retainer. Lawyers are great because even when friends age, testify against you, or disappear under mysterious circumstances, a lawyer will remain steadfastly by your side, asking for nothing in return besides a cleared check. So go out and get a good one… but you can’t have mine. Ha ha ha! What a connected moment we are having!

Happy Kwanzaa/Hanukkah/World AIDS Day/Early Ramadan/Christmas, everybody! Remember, it’s the thought that counts! Just think the right thought, and the rest is forgiven! -H