Howdy, Digheads! Long time, no see. It seems Carly Fiorina and Martin O’Malley weren’t the only casualties of this busy primary season: thanks to the hustle and bustle of the Iowa caucus and New Hampshire primary, I haven’t had any time to write my weekly mailbag! But today we’re back in action, so buckle up, grab a stiff drink (or three!) and get ready to have your pressing political questions answered by the Dig!
But first, a little light music. In honor of tomorrow’s first-in-the-west Nevada caucus, here’s a little tune for those Democrats hoping to get “lucky”:
Now over to you:
Michael in Rugby, ND
Ah, I was waiting for that one. Guess I have to put my chips on the table and see if luck strikes thrice. First up, the Dems’ Nevada caucus:
Yesterday I released my explosive undercover report from inside a paid Bernie Bro online harassment gang. Despite these cyberbullies’ total lack of regard for women and veteran journalists, it is clear from the way they manhandled me, an adult man, that they are a well-oiled attack machine. These innocent, fragile Hillary supporters in Nevada have no idea that they’re sleepwalking into a veritable bear trap of misogynist abuse. Tomorrow you’ll see caucus sites defaced with “Deadpool” posters and vulgar frog memes by internet-addled, delayed-adulthood Bernie Bros marking their territory in an attempt to ward off women who don’t support the Entitlement candidate. Based on what I know about these basement-dwelling virgins’ sexual histories, they will be successful in keeping women far away.
Now, here are my predictions for the Republican primary in South Carolina:
The Donald has led in just about every poll going into South Carolina, so there’s no major reason to think he isn’t on track for victory.
The real contest here is for second place between Marco Rubio, who is angling to become the consensus Establishment candidate, and Ted Cruz, who is fighting to get voters to look past his quivering, gelatinous face and fartlike voice and see him as a human being. This fight has turned ugly in the past week, with both campaigns trading barbs and slinging copious amounts of mud. In the rough-and-tumble battlefield of South Carolina I wouldn’t be surprised if Cruz, this cycle’s dirty trickster, went thermonuclear and called out Rubio for siring several illegitimate children then using them to staff his campaign.
We’re here at Marco HQ with one of his illegitimate sons pic.twitter.com/j534Cp9xuu
— Virgil Texas (@virgiltexas) February 9, 2016
Cruz need only point to one of Rubio’s son-aides, with their identical Marco haircuts and suits issued by the campaign, to make such an attack stick. Get your popcorn ready, folks. With less than 48 hours left to go, Rubio has the all-important Big Mo and is on track to clinch second place — for now.
Further down in the weeds, Jeb, despite having the backing of two former Presidents, his mom, and war hero South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham, won’t crack the top three in the Palmetto State. I checked in with Jeb’s campaign earlier this week, and I can tell you that a fourth place finish will be devastating for the man running to save himself from the indignity of being replaced by Neil Bush in the family hierarchy. Meanwhile, timeworn rail-rider John Kasich likely finishes a respectable fifth in a state he never expected to do well in and has already wandered off from.
Dig, yesterday Pope Francis and Donald Trump went at it over immigration. Is the Pope too beloved of a target for Trump?
Rudolf Jamrock in Truth And Consequences, NM
This is something I’ve been thinking about for a while. I think that if Trump plays his cards right, he could bring back a wave of anti-Papist sentiment unseen since the Know Nothing Party. The climate is undoubtedly different from the 1800s, so a budding anti-Catholic agitator would have to be pretty meme- and tech-savvy. Luckily for The Donald, he is just that. If the veteran deal maker wants Americans to start seeing the Vatican as a shadowy cabal of warlocks, he’s gonna have to be Snapchatting with both hands!
Is Rubio the presumptive establishment pick after his latest rash of endorsements?
Dirk Doffleson in Granite City, IL
Yup. And make no mistake about it. Here’s the cold, hard truth on Rubio:
Marco Rubio may look like he’s on the verge of tears whenever things don’t go well at debates.
He may sound completely terrified when things go off-script.
He may be anxious about absolutely everything.
He may have repeatedly renounced, then returned to, then renounced again his religion and ethnicity.
He may have dozens of illegitimate children.
But Marco Rubio is the best natural born politician out of the 2016 field. Look for big things from Marco, especially if he can contain his constant fear at the next debate.
The Digster! You’ve had quite a week of long forms and scoops, not to mention the usual shade from the haters! I couldn’t help but notice that you seem tired, so how about this weekend you come on down to the Garden State, we get some Michelobs, maybe some flavored vodka, and take in the primary results on my 42 inch Toshiba? I’ll admit that Essex County isn’t as “happening” as Park Slope, but I’ll take our honeys versus theirs any day of the week! Besides, maybe a weekend at a slower pace is just what the doctor ordered!
David “The Milk” Milkberg in Essex County, NJ
David, that would be a massive violation of journalistic ethics. Watch the primary results on your own time. Absolutely not.
Carl “The Dig” Diggler has covered national politics for 30 years, and is the author of “Think-ocracy: The Rise Of The Brainy Congressman”. Got a question for the Dig? E-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org or Tweet to @carl_diggler.
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