It’s no secret that The Dig is a huge Star Wars fan, and last week’s release of the Episode VII trailer got me thinking: which Star Wars characters would the candidates be? Will the Force be with Hillary? Will the Donald Trump be tempted by the Dark Side? Read on and find out, young Padawan! We’ll start with the Republicans:
Rand Paul is C3PO. This fussy, charmless robot just wanders around bumbling and vomiting out useless factoids as the stronger figures actually fight. Much like the twink android, Rand is everyone’s rhetorical punching bag whenever he’s on stage. How I wish my remote control could turn off his voice circuits!
Establishmentarian Jeb Bush isn’t Darth Vader so much as he’s Dark Helmet from Spaceballs. With his powerful bloodline and ambitious big-spending campaign (Jeb could probably afford to build a Death Star with the amount of Super PAC money he’s raking in!) Jeb thinks he’s next in line to rule the galaxy with his mailed fist. Instead he’s constantly the butt of every joke as he’s exposed to be a limp-wristed wimp too timid to even defend the bloodline of his wife who was born on the exotic planet of M’exico.
Ben Carson reminds me of underrated character Jar Jar Binks. Carson hoots a lot of buffoonish things that make you think he’s a complete idiot. But like Jar Jar, Carson’s outrageous pronouncements belie a hidden intelligence. Now, I wouldn’t let Jar Jar perform brain surgery on me, but I think he could get my vote for Senator if he had the right ideas about entitlement reform and private school vouchers.
Classically handsome, masculine, and rugged, Lindsey Graham is Han Solo. This confirmed bachelor shares Solo’s scoundrel charm with his tomcat proclamations of having a new girlfriend every week in the White House. Graham is also trigger-happy like Han, with his tough promises to shoot first and send ISIS straight to Hell. We’ll see if Princess Fiorina succumbs to this notorious lady’s man’s charm.
Donald Trump is Lando Calrissian, a ruthless, jive-talking entrepreneur who always says what’s on his mind. Like Lando, Trump is constantly switching allegiances and usually coming out on top. What the Donald lacks in Billy Dee Williams’ “edge” he more than makes up for in his shrewdness and willingness to exploit natural resources for personal gain.
Bobby Jindal reminds me of the Trade Federation aliens. He shares their cultural sense of family loyalty, hard work, and math skills.
Carly Fiorina is Queen Amidala. Like Queen Amidala Carly ruled during a difficult period when her company, HP, was under threat by competitors in the Orient. Later, her uncontrollable urges resulted in the destruction of the Republic and caused her husband to lose parental rights over their children. A certain male voter who looks at Carly and sees his ex-wife staring back at him can definitely relate.
With his mastery of Senate arcana Ted Cruz is Chancellor Palpatine. Like Palpatine Cruz is a conniving genius who uses the dark arts of Senate procedure to steadily increase his influence with the ambition of one day controlling the entire galaxy and having the power to destroy the Planet Alder-Iran at the push of a button.
Mike Huckabee is Wicket Warrick, chief of the Ewoks. Like the Ewoks Huckabee comes from a backwards culture that’s confused and frightened by modern science, preferring to cling to their primitive religious rituals. Yet at heart these ignorant flyover peons are good salt-of-the-galaxy types who can be counted on to pick up their pitchforks and crucifixes and stand up for America when it counts.
Chris Christie is Jabba the Hutt. ‘Nuff said.
With his foreign heritage and appeal to young people Marco Rubio is Darth Maul. Much like Darth Maul put a new spin on the lightsaber by making it a double lightsaber Rubio is giving conservatism a makeover for the me-generation with his hip campaign powered as much by the Black Keys as it is by sensible immigration reform.
John Kasich is Obi-Wan Kenobi. At first the Ohioan seems to be a shiftless drifter, but spend enough time with him, and you’ll see the arcane mysticism that lurks underneath. Kasich’s adherence to balanced budgets, common sense, and an overall resistance to bathing make this obvious.
(Finally, George Pataki, Rick Santorum, and Jim Gilmore are members of the Mos Eisley Cantina Band, playing those groovy tunes in the 5 PM undercard debate that get us pumped for the real action that follows.)
Now for the Democrats:
Jim Webb is Luke Skywalker in Empire Strikes Back. Naturally gifted but headstrong Webb shamefully dropped out of the race much like Luke dropped out of his Jedi training. But like Luke in Episode VI Webb has a chance for redemption if this aggressive moderate runs as an independent to save the galaxy.
Hillary Clinton is Princess Leia. Both are determined and accomplished women who suffer from a bit of an attitude problem and a quality that turns off male voters. And much like Leia stood by while her home planet of Alderaan was destroyed, Hillary did nothing while the Benghazi Four cried out in terror. One thing’s for sure: if Hillary wants to get over her image issues, The Dig thinks she might consider trading in her pantsuit for Leia’s get-up.
Bernie Sanders is Watto. Something about Watto’s scheming tone and sinister floppy proboscis reminds me of Bernie’s demeanor. His money-grubbing greed, lack of loyalty to any planet, and absurdly grating voice are the Brooklyn-born Vermonter to a T. Just like Watto, Sanders seeks to suck the prosperity of the American worker with his phallic snout/beak appendage. Both sell junk and both are resistant to the Jedi Mind Tricks of conventional knowledge. This barely human creature deserves the worst.
Human toilet Lawrence Lessig is Chewbacca. Nobody can understand the whiny, unintelligent grunts this open sewer of a candidate is trying to communicate.
Martin O’Malley is child Boba Fett, just waiting for Jango Fett, of whom is he an identical twin with the exact same policy positions, to die for a chance to take his place.
Carl “The Dig” Diggler has covered national politics for 30 years, and is the author of “Think-ocracy: The Rise Of The Brainy Congressman”. He currently resides in New York, but also spends time in Washington DC and Los Angeles (but most of all, airports!).