Radical Centrists & Intellectual Conservatives, Unite! It’s Time to Take Down Donald Trump

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No one could have seen the rise of Donald Trump coming. Yes, we had polls, indications of anger, disillusionment, and alienation in voters, and the failure of nearly all his rivals, but absolutely no one could have seen it coming. With Trump winning three of the first four key primaries, he’s showing no signs of slowing down. Everyone seems stumped at how to stop a  man who crudely disrespects reporters, mocks debate moderators, harasses Jeb Bush, and suggests ethnic cleansing or something (I don’t quite remember, this has been quite a long primary).

I’ve long said that the world of politics is like a stew: it takes all kinds of ingredients. While some seek to make their stew with highly similar components, guys and gals who have “been around the block” (that block being Pennsylvania Avenue, mind you) a few times know that diversity makes the flavor “pop.” To wit, I consider myself a radical centrist, but have a great deal of intellectual conservative friends.

Today, I’ll be loaning my column space to these esteemed colleagues of mine, who will be offering their arguments against Trump. Regardless of our differences, it’s our job to stop the GOP candidate’s insane excesses. I may not agree with these ladies and gentlemen on everything, but at the end of the day we’re all just people. When you’re slamming brews and trading laughs at happy hour, ideological distinction melts away. That is especially true with a menace like Donald Trump on the horizon. Take in these cogent arguments from these reasoned intellectual conservatives, even if you’re a liberal. You may find they’re at the very least quite intelligent and rational.

WILLIAM KRISTOL

From The Weekly Standard

I first caught wind of Donald Trump’s pusillanimous politicking in 2005, whilst on a book tour for my bestseller “The New Iraq: How George W. Bush And His Team Created The Middle East’s Most Terror-Free State.” I was in a nouveau-French restaurant after an appearance New Orleans, and remarking to my compatriots how sturdy the port city’s levees looked. Concurrently, Mr. Trump was at the table next to us, and though it is a social faux-pas, I eavesdropped on his conversation.

“Is that Bill Kristol over there?” he said in his outer borough timber. “His neck looks like a pussy. What a complete loser he is, you know he said, and this is true, that Bill Clinton would go to prison in 1998. What a moron that guy is. Shame! He’s fat too. You can’t tell it when he’s sitting down, but he’s got the proportions of a penguin. He has a huge gut, and a lopsided ass. Moron!”

Yes, I admit that I may have predicted wrong about former President Clinton, but the rest of his foul-mouthed tirade indicated to me a man who finds wonkery as useless as political philosophy, and just focuses on cruel personal attacks. There is nothing conservative about that. Furthermore, the boisterous mogul is woefully unprepared for the foreign policy challenges that face us. Will he utter his catchphrase “you’re fired” when Iran invades Germany, as I am sure they are going to? Will he insult his way out of the coming Cuban nuclear attack on Puerto Rico? Will his pithy Tweets prevent ISIS from releasing the iPhone competitor that they have been working on? These are verifiably real dangers we face, and we need a sober, Reaganesque leader for these events that will absolutely, one hundred percent occur in the next two years.

 

BEAUX TY-DIPSCHITTE

Former host of CNN’s “Argument Table”, author of “Ruth’s Chris America: The Middle Management Heroes That Will Reject Hip Hop Values In 2008”

I actually have quite a bit in common with Donald Trump. Yes, like the boisterous Donald, I also come from a prominent family; some of you may have heard of my great grandfather Reinhard Dipschitte, the descendant of Prussian Junker elite. After all, he was the most accomplished train engineer in all of Germany in a certain part of the early to mid 20th century. Unlike Trump’s family of rapacious moguls, however, my pop-pop had a sense of public service, participating in Operation Paperclip, a prestigious anticommunist intelligence program. As you also may know, my father Goerring Dipschitte used a sizable inheritance to start American Ideas Quarterly, one of the most venerated conservative publications in America. As you can see, the Trump family and mine diverge when it comes to action.

For all his bluster, Donald Trump has zero insight or exposition with how he would accomplish his goals. His goals aren’t serious; expelling all illegal Mexican immigrants? Sir, are you serious? We have an entire prison at Guantanamo Bay that we must subject to summary executions. We have a generation of underclass that must be sterilized. We have debtors’ prisons to build. Yet you suggest this costly, insane project?

Trump also makes a big show of his strength and aggression, repeatedly using Twitter to refer to me as a “rich momma’s boy” and a “syphilitic idiot child loser.” First of all, Mr. Trump, I do not have syphilis. It’s called Hapsburg Wasting Symptom. Maybe read a medical book. Second of all, where is your dignity? Do you think that Ronald Reagan, Calvin Coolidge, or Charles V would take to a microblog service to denigrate their enemies with profanity and innuendos? I have half a mind to challenge you to a fencing duel once my Royal Lung Blister Syndrome clears up.

Idiot children who live in the netherquarters of this nation, please act with dignity for once in your lives and reject this gadfly!

STUART TINY

Campaign Strategist, Steve Forbes ’96 & ’00, Jon Huntsman ’12

As an elections guru, it’s my job to know the numbers. And I have just one number for you: 0. That’s the percentage chance that Donald Trump will be the Republican nominee.

Presidential nominations aren’t decided by who holds the flashiest rallies or wins the most primaries. They’re decided by the “Establishment Primary” in which respected mega-influencers like Reince Priebus and Sheldon Adelson elect a nominee that rank-and-file Republicans who respect their leaders in the RNC put their stamp of approval on. And right now, Marco Rubio is crushing it in the Establishment Primary. Mr. Rubio has racked up impressive second place victories in most of the primary states so far, and if he sweeps Super Tuesday by notching 24% of the vote across the board, the nomination will most certainly be his.

For Mr. Trump to win, he needs more than just delegates. He needs to snap Mr. Rubio’s first runner-up winning streak. My numbers tell me that once it’s down to a two-man race, this is virtually impossible to accomplish. So my advice to fellow conservatives is relax. By June, when delegate-rich California gives Mr. Rubio another resounding Establishment Lane victory, Mr. Trump will have no choice but to concede the race to the better man. For those who wish to hasten Mr. Trump’s demise, I recommend continuing to write potent anti-Trump broadsides in the Wall Street Journal and Financial Times op/ed pages, using these powerful organs to shame those stray voters who refuse to acknowledge conventional wisdom.

GIRTH ASSLEY IV

From The National Review, author of “Melanin and IQ: The Hidden Truth of Phrenology”

Forsooth. I say this profanity with no great pleasure, but the grotesques of this nation have, for some reason, abandoned their intellectual and genetic betters of the conservative movement to prop up a two-bit Caesar whose supposed conservatism is as fraudulent as a Siamese opera. I say to these peons and ne’r-do-wells, what conservative values do your sunken eyes see in Donald Trump? His opposition to free trade? His embrace of the Russian?

Verily, if we are to accept Trump as a conservative (for which he is not), he would allow us to measure his skull. He is a man who frequently tells tall tales, so it would edify me very personally to see his supposed “Scottish and Austrian” skull be shown to be of the cretinous, sloping Irish bog person variety that I have long suspected. An educated conservative can plainly gaze upon his large lips, heaving cranial slope, and almost epicanthal eye folds and see a man who, via genetic destiny, is no conservative.

Hideous cretins of yore, glance upon your “master” and see he is no better than you!

MARGAUX MELVILLE  

From The Federalist, author of “Vatican II: A Story of Betrayal and Sorcery”

THE SERVANTS of G-D are upon a TIME OF DEMONIC POSSESSION. THE GHOULS OF SATAN wander into our MINDS. DOES ONE THINK THAT THE KILLERS WHO ATTACK ARE FREE FROM POSSESSION?

7 When the Lamb opened the fourth seal, I heard the voice of the fourth living creature say, “Come!” 8 I looked, and there before me was a pale horse! Its rider was named Death, and Hades was following close behind him. They were given power over a fourth of the earth to kill by sword, famine and plague, and by the wild beasts of the earth.

HOW BLIND MUST OUR BROTHERS BE? D-n-ld Tr-mp IS the FOURTH seal. The OPENING OF NEVADA by his legions of DEMONS is the ASCENDANCY of THE BEAST’S REIGN. COLLECT the FORESKINS of NONBELIEVERS so you are able to protect YOUR FAMILY. The WARLOCKS and WITCHES who preside on TR-MP’S side WILL BRING HADES TO YOUR DOORSTEP

VADE RETRO SATANA

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Carl “The Dig” Diggler has covered national politics for 30 years, and is the author of “Think-ocracy: The Rise Of The Brainy Congressman”. Got a question for the Dig? E-mail him at carl@cafe.com or Tweet to @carl_diggler.

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