CARL DIGGLER’S READER MAILBAG: Wherein I Explain Why Lindsey Graham is Like a Handsome Football Captain

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Slainte, O’Digheads! Hopefully you’re reading this with the hair of the dog that bit you. Whatever it is this week, we’ve all got a hangover. Maybe you’re a Bernie Bro/Babe whose misogyny bender ended this Tuesday. Maybe you’re John Kasich, who is always hungover. Or maybe, like the rest of us, you celebrated St. Patty’s day this Thursday. No matter what’s ailing you, I’m here to take your questions. But before I do, our song for this week is courtesy of our friends from Ye Greene Isle, The Dropkick Murphys.

Now on to ye olde letters:

Carl, after stating that he’d rather die than endorse Ted Cruz, Lindsey Graham has gone ahead and endorsed him. I know that you highly respect Senator Graham, so how can you explain this move?

Paul Vickery in Grosse Point, Michigan

Paul, it’s really quite simple. What got Senator Graham elected wasn’t just his bruising alpha bravado, or movie star good looks, or lady killer charm. It was also his compassion. Right now, Cruz is the hideous honor roll student who just got the books knocked out of his tentacle-like arms by popular rich kid bully Donald Trump. Graham, the handsome captain of the football team, noticed. And instead of pointing and laughing like the rest of the kids, he took Ted by the hand, dusted him off, and said, “hey, you may be a nightmare-inspiring sea creature of a human, but you’re alright, kid.”

Simply put, this act of charity shows that true alphas don’t just lift weights or chase skirts; they help their fellow men. Even when those men are physical abominations with personalities that seem designed specifically to repel you.

Dear Carl,

Normally I enjoy your columns, but this week you crossed the line when talking about Sen. Sanders’ chances to become President. First of all, it is plainly not “impossible” that Sanders will attain enough pledged delegates to win the nomination, when 53% of allocated…

Whoa whoa whoa, I’m going to have to cut you off. This isn’t calculus class, it’s the Dig’s Three-Martini Mailbag. I get that you’re mad that your loutish, process-disrespecting candidate isn’t going to be able to make it illegal for women to not date you. And all the zany mathematical formulas in the world (“duhh, if you take the square root of the hypotenuse of the Michigan delegates…”) aren’t going to change that. Half the primary states have already voted, and at that point the candidate who is losing needs to drop out, to save everyone else the trouble of voting. You see, we hold events like Super Tuesday for a reason: to determine who has the Momentum, and who doesn’t. And Clinton has the Big Mo’. It’s as easy as 2+2.

It seems like my entire timeline is abuzz with the musical Hamilton. Journalists in particular seem to be going nuts over it. What’s the deal?

Matthew Southard in Bethesda, Maryland

No ifs, ands, or buts about it. Hamilton is LIT! I found myself toe-tapping and slapping five with my fellow theater-goers during routines such as “The Federalist Haters” and “Benjamin Church Diss Track 2.” I’ve always been entranced by hip hop-style music, whether it was Canadian MC Snow, UB40, or on a bad day, Eminem, but I wasn’t sure about the blend of hardcore street music and political history. The musical tour-de-force has proven me wrong, and it’s inspired me to flex my creative muscle. I can’t reveal too much, but stay tuned, Digheads 😉

Hola, Dig! Or should I say, The Dig Of All Media? I’ve been loving hearing your beautiful voice on all my favorite podcasts and radio shows, from the District Sentinel to The Ponder to ReplyAll to the Bill Press Show. I’ve been a big fan of the Ponder since he covered the dramatic recount for that .01% school bus repair sales tax initiative back in ’03, and to hear my favorite pundit on my favorite radio show was a dream come true… literally!

So I was thinking, since you’re on a real media junket right now, how about you hop on the surface train to Essex County and join me in my basement recording studio for a guest spot on my podcast Chocolate Milk? Our topics are usually pick-up artist tactics and model trains, but if we had such a high-profile media personage as The Dig on, I imagine our freewheeling conversation would snark on just about everything under the Sun! Heck, if your guest spot works out, maybe you can even become a Chocolate Milk regular. I can see it now: The Milk and The Dig crouching shoulder-to-shoulder in my basement, sweating over a pair of hot mics for five hours straight every single day to make the Chocolate Milk that dozens of listeners crave. We’re the #5,930 podcast on the iTunes charts right now, but with your star power and my innovations in kinoing, we’ll soon be giving Welcome to Night Vale a run for their money!

So what do you say, Dig? Ready to snark it up with the Milk in Essex County? I’ve set one of your famous radio quips as my ringtone… I can’t wait to hear it again when you call me up to say yes!

– David “The Milk” Milkberg in Essex Co, NJ

First off, David, shame on you for posing as a Ponder fan. In all of your letters to me over the years, not once did you suggest you were a fan of The Ponder or even mention The Ponder’s name. And now that my interview with him has gone viral, here you are, pathetically bandwagoning. The Ponder and I are respected journalists, colleagues, and friends. We enjoy a newsman’s bond that can never be broken. Stop interfering with it.

Second, David, I cannot appear on your pick-up artist-themed podcast. Even if I had time to make for you in my busy schedule of media appearances, interviews, and family court hearings, I still wouldn’t put my journalistic credibility on the line by appearing on such an unserious Morning Zoo-style radio show as yours. Once word gets out that veteran reporter Carl Diggler was on “Chocolate Milk,” it’s gonna be “Goodbye, Serial invitation. Goodbye, Meet The Press substitute host gig. Goodbye, Joe Rogan Experience guest spot.” I am not going to sacrifice thousands of dollars in income just to fulfill your goofball fantasies, David. I have a son to provide for, and court fees are through the roof. Do not contact me regarding “Chocolate Milk” ever again.

Carl “The Dig” Diggler has covered national politics for 30 years, and is the author of “Think-ocracy: The Rise Of The Brainy Congressman”. Got a question for the Dig? E-mail him at carl@cafe.com or Tweet to @carl_diggler.

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