Note: Cafe’s chief political columnist Carl Diggler, regular author of The Dig, has taken an indefinite and concerning leave of absence. Filling in for him today is national security expert Prof. Jeff Wilhelm.
When a soldier deserts, his whole unit suffers. With simpering wuss Carl Diggler absent, the stronger soldiers in the 101st Thought Leaders (Airborne) at CAFE must pick up his load. I consider myself the specialist of this unit, so while our potato peeler is out engaging in self-abuse or lying headless in a ditch (again, who cares), I must pick up his ignominious duties — namely, his pathetic “Friday Mailbag”.
I’ve commandeered Carl’s company e-mail, and you should see the crap in here:
Pure nonsense. But as I’ve said before, soldiers must follow orders, even when your comrades stab you in the back as Germany’s leadership did to its army in World War I. Our song for this week’s mailbag post is the sound of American military precision:
Now here are the answers to your insipid questions.
“Dig, don’t know what’s going on with you, but I thought I’d email just in case you’re back. With all that’s happened, how can Marco Rubio show he’s the serious candidate in the GOP field?”
-Stefan in Long Beach, CA
Do you realize how pitiful you sound? I will not address this.
“Hola, Dig! With Hispanic voters making a large showing at the polls, is there an advantage Martin O’Malley could take for a come-from-behind moment in Iowa?”
Pamela in Fox Lake, IL
Absolutely stupid. Never email in my general direction again.
“With the month or more downtime between debates for both parties, how do you see underperformers from the most recent ones making recalibrations? 5 weeks can be an eternity in primary season, so are there any bold strategies from the Jeb camp in particular we may see?”
Garth in Beaverton, Oregon
I would end myself if I ever had this thought that you just had. I certainly wouldn’t share it with people.
“First of all how dare you? How dare you? A ‘coward?’ THAT’S WHAT YOU CALL A 30 YEAR VETERAN OF REPORTING. THAT’S WHAT HE IS TO YOU. You’re nothing. you’re NO ONE. you haven’t done an OUNCE of what Dig has done in his career. HE HAS SPENT 30 years covering every SINGLE MAJOR NEWS item while you hid in your classrooms. you will never have the strength or intelligence to be a real reporter like Carl so you CRITICIZE. YOU THINK YOUR MONEY OR YOUR PARTIES MAKE YOU A MAN, BUT A MAN IS WHAT THE DIG IS. He’ll come back, and he will show you. Pride comes before the fall. You’re an absolute disgrace. You’re a pig. Dig will never give up on the Digheads. FUCK YOU.”
David “The Milk” Milkberg in Essex County, NJ
First of all, you’re lucky we’re separated by a computer monitor, because you’d be getting a whiff of my “containment policy” if you said this to my face. Second of all, I can’t measure up to the Dig? Better tell that to Colonel Diggler. You probably don’t know this, or anything beyond who “got the most Pinocchios at the debate”, but I’m basically Colonel Diggler’s true son in spirit. I’ve been personally thanked by him for defending his patriotic actions in Nicaragua, Libya, and Panama in the 1980s. We actually worked together in a covert business deal with Iran back then, too. Your precious Carl may be his son in blood, but I’m essentially his son in espionage, which is a far deeper bond. I actually bet Colonel Diggler is relieved his son has disappeared. He can now hang out with me because it doesn’t risk hurting Carl’s delicate feelings. We’ll see who’s “no one” when Dig Sr. and I are falconing in Saudi Arabia, you piece of shit.
That does it for the week, and also forever. I will never demean myself doing a “mailbag” again.
Editor’s note: If you have any information regarding the whereabouts of Carl Diggler, please e-mail his editor at email@example.com or notify the police.
Professor Jeff Wilhelm is a father, husband, key party organizer, and analyst working from home. He is the author of “Iran So Far Away: The Hitler Of Nations” and is working on an espionage novel “Decisionpoint–The Wife’s Husband.” Got a question for Prof. Jeff? E-mail firstname.lastname@example.org or Tweet at @Real_Prof_Jeff.