Note: Cafe’s chief political columnist Carl Diggler, regular author of The Dig, has taken an indefinite and concerning leave of absence. Filling in for him today is national security expert Prof. Jeff Wilhelm.
Soldiers take orders. This is a cold truth of war. Despite my expertise in everything NatSec, my editors at Cafe have tightened my leash. I have cruelly been told that if I am to fill the likely dead Carl Diggler’s small elfin shoes, I must cover politics. Not the Iranian connection to One Direction. Not genetic diseases Russians carry. Not how Shia Islam is basically made up. But stupid, vapid politics. But I am but a soldier.
Since my colleague Marshall covered the Democratic field and I have no desire to read any other political news, I have decided to rank the Republican candidates. But I don’t follow the Beltway rules. Since none of these men/lone woman have ever served meaningfully in combat, I have decided to measure them the best way one can: their likely performance at a key party. My editors have instructed me to say that all scenarios herein are highly hypothetical.
Ben Carson: No one likes a blind guy at an orgy. It’s a fun novelty, for sure, but it’s usually someone’s wife’s idea. Oh, it will be so nice for him! But it will be horrible for everyone else. When Carson wouldn’t be fumbling around furtively grasping for the nightstand against a strong sea of limbs and sinew, he’d be trying to steal valor with one of his infamous lies about his supposed West Point connection. If he tried that at one of my events, he’d get a different kind of money shot. Carson gets No Invite.
Donald Trump: Rich people can be an asset at these things, but as a strong embracer of multiculturalism when it’s ages 20-26 and measurements 36-24-36, there’s a clash in values between Donald and I. Still, who wouldn’t love to see a Bentley Continental key in the old dish? Speaking of dish, Melania Trump seals this one up. Tentatively gets an Invite.
Jeb Bush: Cuckolds are 2010 stuff. Nope! No Invite.
Marco Rubio: There’s always that one young guy at the thing. He’s got a pretty wife, but he’s afraid to let her take a spin. Everyone, of course, needs some breaking in. I think if I took Marco to the study and explained him the raison d’etre of a key party, he’d eventually be amenable. Marco gets an Invite.
John Kasich: Yeah, let me just repeat the disaster that was Polymas 2k12 by inviting a drifter, thinking that his desperation would benefit all parties! Wow, The Monster of Florence suddenly began to make a ton of sense after that one! A guy like this is more likely to hole up in your bathroom charging his phone or argue about who gets the copper wiring than he is to get down to business. No Invite for the tramp.
Rand Paul: A small man who’d get the punishment he deserves for his disrespect of the NSA. Wouldn’t mind giving his improbably hot wife a spin either. Dark Invite for Senator Manlet.
Carly Fiorina: She’s all tight hairbuns and business heels during the day, but I heard the gory detail she talked in when referencing those Planned Parenthood videos. Something tells me she’d have an opportunity to really “cut loose” and redefine the word “dom”. Granted, she is way over my acceptable age requirements, but there is something for everyone. Invite for she-wolf Ilsa.
Rick Santorum: Santorum’s vivid imagination would really come of use here. I don’t condone the beastiality the man seems set on describing, but it can’t hurt to have someone who’s willing to “go there”. Invite for Santorum.
Chris Christie: Sorry, but water beds burst. Also, could you imagine this mush-mouthed buffoon trying to blurt out a safe word? Despite Christie’s strong credentials on 9/11 and the South China Sea, No Invite
Mike Huckabee: Well hyuck hyuck I darn reckon that the only key parties I dun know about are when me and my uncles go to Key Largo for some moonshinin’ hyuck hyuck! No Invite, Governor Dumbshit.
It should go without saying, but Lindsey Graham is absolutely never welcome. Senator Graham spent his time in the Air Force bloviating about the “laws of war,” to which there are none. Furthermore, he was known for reprimanding NSA officers for perfectly friendly emails to female Air Forces officeresses.
Editor’s note: If you have any information regarding the whereabouts of Carl Diggler, please e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org or notify the police.
Professor Jeff Wilhelm is a father, husband, key party organizer, and analyst working from home. He is the author of “Iran So Far Away: The Hitler Of Nations” and is working on an espionage novel “Decisionpoint–The Wife’s Husband.” He is on Twitter at @Real_Prof_Jeff.