Look, giving a holiday gift is a very serious responsibility, okay? Right now in this country the billionaire class is giving each other mansions and yachts and islands because we have a morally corrupt tax code written by Wall Street bankers. So if you’re among the 99% of Americans out there struggling to give but a single gift this Christmas, make it one of these.
A Box of Danish Cookies ($7)
Danish cookies vary in flavor and quality, but one thing they all have in common: They were all produced by workers earning an equitable living wage and subject to a progressive system of tiered taxation. That is what’s important. The cookies themselves will probably get re-gifted so don’t obsess over the specific variety.
A Pint of Ben & Jerry’s, Pre-Unilever Acquisition ($70) This fine Vermont company was sold to the billionaire-controlled industrial conglomerate Unilever in 2000, but there is still a limited quantity of pre-acquisition pints owned by collectors, and they are available for sale. Unfortunately the only flavor left is Miz Jelena’s Sweet Potato Pie, which was discontinued for issues involving flavor and ethnic sensitivity. However, it was produced under ethical work conditions, which cannot be vouched for in the Unilever era.
A Gun ($249)
Look, the 2nd amendment to the Constitution is very clear, okay? There are a lot of rural states, like Vermont for example, where a gun is just part of the basic way of life. Let’s not dwell on this gift. Let’s move on to the next gift on the list and spare ourselves the debate, okay?
A Biography of Eugene V. Debs ($26)
A Debs biography is essential reading for anyone on your list who — What’s that? The gun again? Look, it’s an individual decision that is popular in rural states and no, it’s not inconsistent with the tenets of Democratic Socialism, okay? Let’s not get into this. Buy the Debs biography.
Tickets to the American Psycho Broadway Musical ($148) This musical, debuting in March, is essential viewing for everyone seeking to understand the psyche of a Wall Street banker aspiring to the billionaire class. Like anything about Wall Street, this is not for children. There are murders, there is drug abuse, there is– What’s that? Yes, some of the murders are with guns. Guns are a very complicated issue, and yes, there’s a gun on this gift list, but that’s not the point and the NRA goes too far on many issues, okay? Just see the damn musical! The actors are in a union and are paid a living wage.
In the time you spent reading this gift guide, a Wall Street Investment banker made $918,500, and our supporters posted over 600 “Feel the Bern!” messages in comment sections throughout the Internet. Merry Christmas!