The Apple Watch: The Most Elegant, Breathtaking Way To Be Unable To Connect To The Internet

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(Photo by Qi Heng/VCG via Getty Images)

Over the past two decades, Apple has undergone a remarkable transformation. It has evolved from a semi-forgotten niche brand propped up by audio/video geeks to a social status brand that sometimes successfully performs computer functions.

Nowhere is this transformation more apparent than in the latest Apple Watch – a striking, elegant, wearable status piece that can’t reliably connect to the Internet.

After subpar reviews for earlier Apple Watches, whose main functions were draining batteries and prompting people to ask “Hey, is that an Apple Watch?” the Cupertino tech giant had heavily touted LTE connectivity in the new model.

That burst of marketing around Internet availability is why quotes like “we have discovered that when Apple Watch Series 3 joins unauthenticated Wi-Fi networks without connectivity, it may at times prevent the watch from using cellular” aren’t the most encouraging.

Of course, worrying about things like Internet connectivity or general functionality kind of misses the point. The point of an Apple Watch isn’t to actually use it. It’s to just kind of… have it. You get to casually show your friends that you spent several hundred dollars, and doing so puts you in the league of such water-cooler-safe celebrities as Gwen Stefani, Oprah, and Neil Patrick Harris. Does that sound like an assortment of people who are motivated by “LTE connectivity”?

So if you’re looking for some ordinary accessory that can’t connect to the Internet, you can have your pick of pedestrian items, like a rock or a half-empty bottle of Diet Rite. But if you want something truly classy, elegant, and breathtaking that can’t connect to the Internet, there is only one Apple Watch.