Dear Jeff Bezos,
I hear Amazon is searching for the right home for its second headquarters. For one lucky city, “HQ2” (a cool and creative name!) will supposedly bring billions in investment and thousands of jobs.
Some 238 cities have debased themselves to you with pledges of love, devotion, and tax credits. But as my grandma said, “why buy the cow when you can get the mayor to expropriate the dairy farm? Then you can fuck with the cows at night.” She was a smart lady, and I’d be dumb not to do the right thing. You see, I have the found the best location for HQ2: my apartment.
Amazon is an imposing corporate monolith with an ever-tightening grip over American commerce. My modest Mar Vista three bedroom features two parking spots and 1.5 bathrooms. My roommate Paul and I go in on a cleaning service every month. Move HQ2 here, and I’ll cover your share for three months, a $60 windfall! You’ve been searching for the perfect deal, Jeff. Now, I think you’re ready for the real deal.
I am aware Amazon might have an exacting and abusive white collar culture. But NBD if HQ2 is a place where adults break while trying to please the insatiable imperatives of capitalist efficiency. We try to give everyone space here. Our old roommate, Celia, was super depressed and had to move back to Fullerton, and when she told me and Paul we were like, what? We had no clue. I can also clear out the linen closet if employees need a dark, quiet place to scream.
I know what you’re thinking: How can a single bedroom be enough space to forcibly rewire the circuitry of the global economy? First off, it’s not just a single bedroom. You’ll have free reign of the living room three nights a week. And you’re welcome to hang for game night the other four nights. Just bring beer and your passion for gaming. We have a saying in our apartment: Work hard, play hard games with a large group in a small space many nights a week until very late at night. If you move HQ2 to my apartment, I could work with your crack marketing team to edit this into something snappier. This is one of many opportunities for synergy our union would promote (NOT a workers’ union, which we both agree would stifle that majestic flow of synergy). Smell that, Jeff? It’s not Paul’s dank-ass edibles, it’s the spirit of innovation.
The relative lack of space in HQ2 at my apartment will be good for you, and business. What better way to remind you of the early days, when you were just a bright-eyed Princeton grad, fresh off a stint on Wall Street, destroying the book publishing industry? With HQ2 at my apartment, you don’t even need to steal billions from cash-strapped municipalities in tax credits. You can still maintain that Amazon isn’t just a parasite which continues to grow larger than its prey!
Right now Amazon is more powerful than an entire country. With HQ2 in my apartment, we can make it more powerful than a god (pending credit check, security deposit and first and last month’s rent).