Son, We Need To Talk…They Found Santa’s Grave

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BEVERLY HILLS, CA - SEPTEMBER 15: Mrs Claus and Santa Claus attend the EcoLuxe Pre-Awards Party on September 15, 2017 in Beverly Hills, California. (Photo by Vivien Killilea/WireImage)

Hey, bud. How’s it going?

So I’m sure you’ve seen some stories, and maybe some of the kids are talking around the schoolyard. I just wanted to take a second and have a talk with you.

They found Santa’s grave.

Please don’t cry. It’s going to be okay. Santa, who historically was known as St. Nicholas, is dead and buried. We just don’t know where he’s been buried. He’s been dead for centuries. And some people think that they found his remains beneath a church in Turkey.

Oh, jeez. Uh, “remains” are the things that are left over after someone dies and rots. Like bones.

Come here, you can cry on my shoulder.

Yes, they might have found Santa’s bones. A team of researchers scanned the floor beneath an old church called Myra St. Nicholas Church, and, well, they found a previously unknown tomb.

And look, it might not even be true! This could just be a way for Turkey to boost tourism. Who knows! Some people thought that the bones ended up on an island in the Mediterranean or were stolen by Italian sailors in the 11th century and put in an Italian crypt. No one really knows for sure.

But look, here’s what I can tell you: Christmas isn’t canceled, and we’ll still get to celebrate and be together and enjoy the holiday. It’s just that Santa is definitely dead and his bones were maybe stolen by pirates.

Look, son, this could be nothing. Who knows if any of these possible burial places are real. This could be just a cavity below the floor of a very old church. And it’s very hard to prove and date things like this. It’s all speculation. We can’t possibly say where the remains of Santa’s rosy cheeks and bowlful of jelly belly ended up.

Gosh, okay. I shouldn’t have said that.

No matter what they find, it doesn’t change what’s in your heart. If these researchers end up removing the ancient and intricate tile floor and digging up this possible grave, they might find Santa’s bones — but they won’t find the bones of your Christmas spirit. That’s been inside of you all along.

No, no — that doesn’t mean Santa’s bones are buried inside of you. I mean…you do have bones inside of you, but they’re not Santa’s bones, they’re your—you know what, let me get your mother.