Roy Moore Should Be Allowed At The Mall, But Only The Weird Mall That’s Mostly Bead Stores And Radio Shacks


This will be an unpopular opinion, but I truly believe it needs to be said: alleged ephebophile and Republican Senate candidate Judge Roy Moore should be allowed to go to the mall – but only the really weird mall that’s mostly Radio Shacks and off-brand shoe stores.

The one filled with old people waiting to die.

The one with the aquarium store that’s clearly a front for a local gang.

The one with a food court that consists of an Orange Julius and a cigar shop.

Those are the malls Roy Moore should be allowed in.

I’m not an unreasonable man. Of course Roy Moore should be banned from regular malls – you know, the normal ones with an Old Navy and a Foot Locker and maybe a Wetzel’s Pretzels or two. In no way am I advocating for Roy Moore to be allowed to frequent any of those malls called, like, Pinetree Galleria, or Spring Hill Shopping Center, or Fountain Road Pavilion. He should certainly be forbidden from entering any mall with working light fixtures, and should definitely not be allowed anywhere near a shopping plaza peppered with faux-Roman columns. Roy Moore inside a mall with a roped-off 2018 crossover SUV up for grabs? I don’t think so, folks.

But the classic creepy malls? The ones stocked almost entirely with insurance agents, and Spencer’s Gifts, and dollar stores, but not even the name brand dollar stores like Dollar Tree? Those should be fair game. Think of it as a classic ironic punishment: Moore will be able to frequent the mall, one of his favorite pastimes … but the only mall he’ll be allowed at is the one that no teenager in her right mind would ever visit. Kafka would be proud. I think. He was the ironic punishment guy, right?

I’m a man of principles, and in this case my principles revolve around run-down shopping centers filled with lottery ticket kiosks. So head to the mall, Judge Moore – just make sure it’s not one constructed after 1972.

Oh, also, you should be imprisoned and permanently barred from running for political office.