In my 30+ years of reporting I’ve seen my fair share of man’s inhumanity to man. There was 9/11, Vince Foster’s “suicide,” and the time I was held hostage by Russian security forces. But this weekend, I saw a sea change in American politics when Cliven Bundy’s sons took over a rural wildlife refuge in Eastern Oregon.
This kind of angry armed uprising represents a new chapter in our politics, a departure from the days when responsible leaders like Tip O’Neill and Ronald Reagan could set aside the parenthetical letters at the end of their names and share a laugh. No, this is a new politics, a rancorous time of low-intensity warfare, partisanship, and complete disregard for the importance of balanced budgets. Though I must be impartial as a journalist, it is no question that a certain figure in this year’s Presidential election has been actively stoking the flames of this vile anti-government anger. Yes, from his hateful tirades to his flippant dismissal of basic political respect, one man is responsible for the Oregon stand-off: Bernie Sanders.
Let’s do some basic detective work. What are the Bundy’s sons and their army of toothless hillbilly insurgents mad at? Generally the government, the banks, the media, and a fast-paced modern society that has left them in the dust. Well, all you need to do is watch a typical Bernie meltdown and listen to him rail against the “D.C. political class” and the “1%” who are “too close” to Wall Street. Wow, since when is building bridges with folks in Lower Manhattan a crime, Senator? But I digress.
Sanders’ mindset is one of entitlement and control. Because things just haven’t worked out for the typical entitled Sandersista, they seek to take what they want, whether it’s free college tuition or a dilapidated building in rural Oregon. And they’ll do it by any means necessary.
Mea culpa: I admit that I once saw Bernie as a sideshow, an infantile distraction of an old man throwing a temper tantrum in the middle of an election that would ultimately be carried by a respectable moderate like the former governor of Maryland. Now, however, after connecting the dots, I see the destruction Bernie has the potential to cause in addition to the armed standoff he’s already created.
In my experience, the typical Sanders supporter is a prefab white terrorist. They wake up in the morning just to silence women who dare speak ill of the autocratic baby these men have devoted their lives to. They’re angry at a demonstrably fair system where the best and the brightest are invited to become Congressional pages and unpaid interns for the media, tough, gritty jobs that allow the hardest workers to become Beltway insiders like me. No, these entitled brats feel unfairly left behind just because they weren’t allowed to “chief dabs” at their sole internship. They have failed in pretty much every arena in their lives, and now a man with a semblance of credibility has given voice to their internal rage. And it’s motivating them to violent action.
The backwards, physically repulsive, synthetic drug-addled, disability scamming, idiotic cretins typical of Middle America who took this innocent wildlife refuge already feel slighted by what they ignorantly deem the “Establishment.” Bernie, with his terroristic invective against the repeal of the Glass-Steagall Act (one of the greatest bipartisan compromises since the Gulf of Tonkin Resolution) has already emboldened them into action.
In addition to these hillbillies, there will be a new generation of terrorists: Bernie’s core support group. The Bernie Babies, who are suburban young men with worthless college degrees, chips on their shoulders, and actual chip residue on their shoulders, will wreak havoc. These pathetic beta males could be behind the most nefarious terrorist attacks of our lives, selecting targets who threaten their shallow way of life. It’s possible we’ll see Bernie’s militias suicide bomb Guardian Comment Is Free writers, the Capital Grill, and other icons of respectability and leadership. I weep imagining my round son Colby growing up in this type of war zone. The blank, unfeeling expression that usually spreads across my little boy’s face shows he’s a more courageous man than I as he resigns himself to seeing his nation in a constant state of unrest.
If all of this sounds harsh, well, I have a personal reason for feeling so strongly. As a father I love our national parks, and some of my fondest memories are of full-custody weekends with my round son Colby when I’d drive him out to the Appalachian Trail where we could hike upon the same soil heroes like Daniel Boone and his slaves tread upon in their march to settling this great country. There’s no wi-fi or GameBoy batteries or biased family court judges out in these national parks. There’s just a father and son taking in the history of a great nation. To think these Bernie Sanders-inspired terrorists want to take away this bonding experience between a father and his son… well, let’s just say they’re going to have to get through me and a couple of my colleagues at the Willard Hotel before they get the chance.
If we soundly condemn Sanders’ offensive disrespect of institutions and possibly imprison him, it will send a clear message to his supporters that we will not be cowed into submission by a violent man whose bloodlust for respectability is possibly aggravated by dementia. This is our country, Digsters and Digettes. Let’s not surrender it.
Carl “The Dig” Diggler has covered national politics for 30 years, and is the author of “Think-ocracy: The Rise Of The Brainy Congressman”. Got a question for the Dig? E-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org or Tweet to @carl_diggler.