If you’ve been on Twitter or Facebook the past few days, you’ve probably noticed the latest trend: FaceApp, the photo app that uses neural networks to make pictures of you look completely different, like “old” or “happy.” It doesn’t have to be a selfie, though – you can use photos of literally anybody. Clearly the next logical step here is to take a picture of President Donald J. Trump and see just how many consecutive times I can run his face through the app before it no longer recognizes him as a human being. Let’s get started.
Step 1: Choosing The Picture
Donald Trump is not a particularly photogenic man, unless “photogenic” means “there are a lot of photos of him.” With that in mind, for the best results on FaceApp, you want a clear, forward-facing photo. Here are a few potential choices:
Let’s go with option number one, because it looks like he just got hit in the dick and balls.
Step 2: Choosing The Filter
Arguably even more important than step one, step two involves choosing between FaceApp’s several filter options, which include “Young,” “Old,” “Smile,” “Smile 2,” “Male,” and “Female.” Male and Female both require you to purchase the full app, and fuck that. I tested out “Smile” and I almost dropped my phone.
Those teeth are Mitch McConnell bad.
I tried the “Old” filter but there’s no discernible difference.
That leaves us with “Young.” God help us all, this is going to suck.
Step 3: God Damn It, I Hate Neural Networks
Here’s the first “Young Trump” picture. Pretty reasonable. Nothing too out-of-the-ordinary. I can deal with this.
Here’s Young Trump after going through the filter five times.
This was a terrible idea. I had hoped that after a few run-throughs, the app would say “Okay, enough. That is not a human face. I do not recognize it as such.” The power of neural networks apparently had other plans.
By the tenth picture, we’re into full-on “psilocybin-induced monstrosity” territory.
He looks like somebody left a jar of Gerber baby food out in the sun.
By photo number 20 I was begging FaceApp to stop, but either it refused to listen or I hadn’t given it permissions to access my microphone, because it just kept going.
Finally, by the 24th photo, the app no longer recognized President Trump’s melted visage – so, naturally, I took the 23rd photo and ran it through the “Smile” filter.
Step 4: God Is Dead
Nothing we do matters. Every little decision we make, every motion, all of it… meaningless. Look around you. The things you’ve collected over the years. The people you nod hello to each morning. Loved ones, friends, enemies, acquaintances. None of it matters. Embrace the chaos. Stare at the sun. Everything will end, and the only thing we have to look forward to is that we might be wiped out sooner rather than later.