In an historic moment for the LGBT community, a policy once barring openly gay and lesbian citizens from serving in the War on Christmas was put to rest today.
Legislation to repeal “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas Free From Secularist Intrusion Or Disclosure Of Sexual Orientation” (the wordily titled offshoot of the military’s now defunct “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy), was enacted this morning, granting gay men and women the freedom to openly dismiss the idea of a culturally exclusive holiday season without fear of harassment.
“This day is one for the textbooks,” gay rights activist Lewis Chaffin exclaimed, while chaining himself to a Nativity scene manger. “We’ve made enormous strides in the quest for equality. Just five years ago we ended discrimination against our military servicemen and women. Today, I can finally say that the gentleman giving the Walmart greeter who wished him ‘happy holidays’ guff is a proud gay man.”
Some on the far right remain skeptical, suggesting that a propensity to engage in same-sex acts has no place in the war for seasonal multiculturalism. “We count on a certain degree of morality in this uphill battle with secular America,” one steadfast conservative told us. “What you do in the privacy of your bedroom is your own business. Keep it away from my yearly vandalism of Festivus poles, please.”
“Apparently it wasn’t enough for them to lay claim to the apparel we don,” he added.