POST-DEBATE REPORT CARD: Lindsey Graham Annihilates The Competition!

POST-DEBATE REPORT CARD: Lindsey Graham Annihilates The Competition!

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What a night. There’s a lot of candidates to go through, so let’s get right to it:

Jeb Bush

Masculinity

Surrender Readiness

Holding Back Tears

Wife Defense

Strength

Substance

FINAL GRADE

F

B

D

D-

F

C-

F

It’s no secret that the marshmallow-filled sausage casing that once governed Florida was the biggest loser of the debate, overshadowing even genetic disaster Rand Paul. Jeb looked like he was trying to make friends more than win, and he was even more of a failure in that endeavor. He offered to kiss any Democrat that wanted to lower spending. And in an even more humiliating display, he tried to remind Marco Rubio of when they were friends. Jeb should go back to his advisors, his major donors, and his wife, then roll up his sleeves and openly weep about how he wasn’t good enough for them. Then immediately quit.

Donald Trump

Bombast

Bluster

Braggadocio

Bravado

Bluntness

Substance

FINAL GRADE

A-

A-

A-

A-

A-

D

A-

When Jeb waggled his pathetic pink cheeks and sensitive rear end on stage, Trump was smart enough not to take the bait (unlike Rubio – see below). Trump had already emasculated Jeb in the last debate — as the billionaire showman knew well enough that voters hate a sequel. Instead he blazed his own trail, taking on fresh, juicy targets like Ohio’s pathetic energy industry. His only gaffe was denying he called Marco Rubio “Mark Zuckerberg’s personal Senator,” sacrificing a chance to attack a fellow billionaire whom a lot of smart voters are mad at for unfairly banning their Facebook accounts on specious “stalking” accusations. Sorry, Zuck, but you can’t “stalk” your son, not if you have partial custody for one weekend every month. That’s called being a dad.

Graham Report Card Template

Honor

Determination

Alpha-ness

Sailor Language

Sex Appeal

Substance

FINAL GRADE

A

A-

A

B+

B+

A

A

The mighty Graham cast a long shadow over the primetime debate, where his breathtaking performance threw several candidates off their game. It was easy to see the fear in the eyes of every single candidate as they wondered how they could overcome this towering Alpha’s presence. Graham threatened China, tossed some devastating barbs towards Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders — and no doubt won over every single woman voter by the end of his powerful proclamations. The only question is, what can stop his momentum?

Ben Carson

Control Over Supporters

Politeness

Dead Children

Open Eyes

Ambien Tolerance

Substance

FINAL GRADE

D

B+

F

C

C-

D

D+

First things first: Dr. Carson has to apologize for how his supporters rudely booed a critical question towards him. That invalidates the hours of hard work moderators do coming up with the perfect, most viral moment-enabling questions. Beyond that, in a huge gaffe, he refused to go back to the well of dead kids (starting with his denigration of the victims of a recent school shooting) that has done so well for him. Furthermore, his inability to keep both eyes opened at once did no favors to the rampant rumors that he is secretly blind. Sooner or later people will want to know the truth: can you see, doctor?

Rand Paul

Whininess

Elf Resemblance

Ingratitude

Impotence

Stench

Substance

FINAL GRADE

F

F

F

F

F-

F-

F

Subhuman commode-dweller Rand Paul set tonight’s tone before the debate began, when his campaign had the audacity to complain about the candidate’s dressing room. (I couldn’t help but notice it looked like an execution chamber — talk about wishful thinking!) Here’s some straight talk, Rand: you and your fear of the security state don’t deserve a roof over your head. In a just world you would have been relegated to the dumpster on Boulder, CO’s skid row where you would be at the mercy of coyotes and gremlin-like crust punk freegans. If you think you deserve any better you must be “Rocky Mountain high!”

Marco Rubio

Pluck

Moxie

Spunk

Upbringing

Lived Experience

Substance

FINAL GRADE

B

B

B

B

C-

A-

C+

Rubio finally showed he could throw a punch, but unfortunately he aimed it at Jeb Bush, the training dummy of the GOP field. Attacking a toothless infant like Jeb may be a crowd-pleaser, but voters aren’t impressed by a candidate who so shamelessly takes the easy road. Honestly, attacking Jeb is like dunking the captain of the chess team in a toilet then making out with his flatulent, acne-scarred girlfriend while forcing him to watch. Once he got done beating up on Fredo Bush, he reminded everyone that his parents were unimpressive (a bartender and a maid), but he turned out alright. That’s great Marco, but respect the process.

Carly Fiorina

Smile

Poise

Ex-Wife Resemblance

Grace

Voice

Substance

FINAL GRADE

F

D-

D

C-

D-

B-

D

The S.S. Edmund Fiorinagerald crashed on the rocks of an easy question about her tenure as CEO of HP. Carly wasted most of her time whining about how hard her job was, how many difficult number-heavy reports she had to read, and how mean her male co-workers were. If you couldn’t hack it in the board room, why should voters put you in the Situation Room? The Joint Chiefs of Staff certainly aren’t going to put up a CoC too busy “treating herself” when they’re trying to explain which Syrian rebels to arm. One thing’s for sure: Carly definitely lost this reporter’s “female primary” to CNBC head-turner Becky Quick.

Ted Cruz

Voice Weirdness

Father

Posture

Respect For Moderators

Manners

Substance

FINAL GRADE

B+

C-

B

D

B+

A

B

As my old pal Chris Cillizza explains, Cruz is running the best campaign out of anyone, but he should have acted like it. For one, he brought up his failure dad abandoning his family and only returning because of the Bible. For two, he had an outright disrespectful emotional outburst where he castigated financial genius Jim Cramer and ripped-from-the-pinups doll Becky Quick on their “irrelevant” questions. Let me ask you something, Senator: do you think you’re above this? Cruz righted his ship with a thrilling elocution on means testing for Social Security, a favorite issue of young voters

Chris Christie

Hock

Loins

Rump

Ribs

Flank

Substance

FINAL GRADE

C

C

C

C

C

C

C

Christie promised to tell the truth to the people. I eagerly awaited either a Liveleak video link or a juicy rumor, but it just trailed off into apnea-snore like droning. The heavy governor was gifted a powderkeg of an issue in social security, but wasted his opportunity by attempting to bully John Kasich, which brought up images of a cruel baker castigating a plucky drifter just trying to opportunistically grab some stale loaves. His passion was noticeable, but his 9/11 awareness was painfully lacking.

Psst, Chris: your medic alert bracelet was showing all night.

John Kasich

Weathered Face

Resilience

Mendicancy

Okie-ness

Pluck

Substance

FINAL GRADE

A

A-

B-

B

B

D

C

While loser Rand Paul complained about his green room , John Kasich was happy just to have shelter over his head and a ready outlet to charge his phone, which has been a major issue during the campaign. While Kasich lacked any truly viral moments, the eagerness of this drifter shined through, impressing sympathetic train conductors whose rails he may utilize for free, as well as voters. Sources haven’t indicated whether the governor utilized the arena’s generous pastry and coffee offerings, but given his no-nonsense fiscal conservatism, it wouldn’t be a shock in the least.

Mike Huckabee

Outrage

Jowls

Aw Shucks

Cornponity

Book of Revelation

Substance

FINAL GRADE

B-

B-

B

B+

D

D

C-

Despite this backwoods country preacher’s mastery of Biblical prophecy, Huckabee failed to leverage his religiosity to connect with his natural core constituency of snakehandlers and arranged marriage consultants. Paradoxically the former Arkansas governor promised he would deliver the country from economic ruin, even though both the Book of Ezekiel and Huckabee’s own campaign platform call for apocalyptic global devastation and the construction of the Third Temple to usher in the Millennium leading to the Second Coming and Last Judgment. Way to stay on message, Governor!

Gov. Bobby Jindal, former Sen. Rick Santorum, former Gov. George Pataki

Standing, Speaking

Having A Podium

Ratings

Proximity to Lindsey Graham

Justification for Being Alive

Substance

FINAL GRADE

B-

A

F

A+

D-

Inc.

N/A

Sorry, B team. You were playing in the presence of a demigod.