Pfizer To Invest Tax Cut In Stock Buyback, Creating Jobs For Mustache-Twirling Robber Barons

(Spencer Platt/Getty Images)

The recently passed “Tax Cuts and Jobs Act” was sold as a job creator — hence its name. The calculus was simple: By bestowing heavy tax cuts upon multi-billion dollar corporations, those corporations would have more money and therefore be more motivated to hire people.

It’s like how when construction workers want to reinforce a skyscraper’s foundation, they squirt concrete into the penthouse apartment and assume it will trickle down to the basement. (That’s how they do it, right?)

In that spirit, Pfizer, one of the largest pharmaceutical companies in the world, recently revealed its own three-step process for job creation:

  1. Take its tax cut money.
  2. Give its shareholders $10 billion worth of buybacks.
  3. End its research into Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s drugs.

Needless to say, this creates jobs. Not Alzheimer’s or Parkinson’s research jobs — Pfizer is cutting 300 of those. But if we accept that “create jobs” has become this Congress’s euphemism for “transferring billions of dollars to the rich,” then both they and Pfizer have already created more jobs than Charlie Sheen in a red light district.

And think of all the job seekers who will benefit from Pfizer paying billions to buy back shares of stock. And in this case, “job seekers” means “the idle rich who’d appreciate receiving dividend payments.” And they’re everywhere! You’ve got trust fund recipients, but also offshore portfolio recipients! Lifestyle blogging heiresses! Highly sympathetic members of the Trump cabinet!

All of these people are well deserving of jobs (also known as “increased cash benefits simply for holding stock”). And thanks to the tax cut, and subsequent elimination of research positions, they’re getting those “jobs”!

Look for even more “jobs” to be given to CEOs and board members in the coming months. From Bermuda to Bimini, from Davos to Durango, these “jobs” will keep pouring in until the economy comes all the way back. America is counting on it!