PERFECT FOR YOUR FAMILY: The Ted Cruz Holiday Gift Guide

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Fellow Americans, we are approaching a crisis of unseen proportions. Due to the reckless, do-nothing, timid, tyrannical reign of President Obama, you have not completed your Christmas shopping. The Left will tell you that’s fine: “There’s no such thing as Christmas,” they’ll say. “Now cover your head with a burqa and bow eastward toward the New York Times building and westward toward Barbra Streisand.” But we can fight back, my fellow patriots. We can rise up and lead a conservative revolution to get these fabulous gifts under your Christmas tree!

Legislating Boots ($229)

ted cruz gift guide
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There’s nothing worse than getting up to introduce a bill — or better yet, filibuster one — and realizing you don’t have the right cowboy attire to do so. These handsome, all-American beef-leather boots will put your opponents on notice while leaving Sunday morning talk show hosts smiling with delight. Buy a pair for the courageous, principled conservative on your list, or just for yourself. Aw, who are we kidding? That’s the same guy!

A Flashdance DVD ($18)

ted cruz gift guide

Flashdance is a great American film, and a courageous, principled man is not the least bit questioning his sexuality for liking it. In it the film, the lead character Maniac dances in a flash all over America, championing the cause of individual liberty, limited government, and the 2nd Amendment. Donald Trump should watch it but probably won’t, which is a sad statement about Obama’s America.

A Liberty University Wrestling Unitard ($69) – Liberty University is a beacon of pious, Christian morality in a country that has so sorely lacked it during the timid, tyrannical reign of President Obama. They also have great athletics. Enjoy a little fun-and-games roughhousing shenanigans with the gents on your list in these sporty Liberty unitards. May the spirit of Christ reign over your vigourous horseplay. Go Flames!

A Portrait of Joseph McCarthy ($10)

ted cruz gift guide
(credit: Getty)

Senator McCarthy was a courageous, principled man who ruffled the feathers of his limp establishment colleagues. Good looking, too! Some of his rhetorical and sartorial style has fallen by the wayside over the years, but it will be making a big comeback circa November 2016. A portrait of McCarthy can replace the mirror in any courageous, principled man’s home. Just stare into the senator’s eyes as you slick back your hair and narrow your gaze. Lookin’ good!

The Fear of God (priceless) – There is no greater gift in this world than The Fear of God. And I’m not talking about that watered-down Mainline Protestant fear. I’m talking about wake-up-whimpering-in-the-middle-of-the-night fear. The kind where a psychologist gives you a doll and asks you to point to where God gave you fear. Everyone on your list needs this fear. Will you be courageous and principled enough to give it to those you love most?

My fellow Americans, this list is courageous, this list is principled. President Obama and The Left don’t want you to buy the items on this list. So I ask: What will you give your Christian brothers and sisters? Will it be these gifts of liberty or will you stuff your loved ones’ stockings with burqas, turbans, and coal? I pray that you make the right choice.