OP-ED: My Brilliant Predictions For the World in 2016

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Forgive my absence. As some of you may know, I have accepted a new part-time job. As the new Barry Seale Professor of Naval Intelligence History at Coast Guard War College, I’ve had an onerous schedule that entails 4 personal appearances in class a month and 2 peer-reviewed papers annually. Needless to say, I haven’t had time to offer my thoughts to a website that employs one of Putin’s stooges, but I have a duty to my students, no matter if they read me here or attend my classes.

My father used to say, “another day, another boxcar.” I don’t know the etymology of this expression, but I can chalk it up to his famous German wit. The older I get, the more I find it echoing in my head, as the days turn to months, which give way to years, and build the generations of time that we live in.

Maybe it’s the Malbec and Norco cocktail I’ve been nursing, but I find myself pensive about the coming year. The world is in the balance, and I see perilous times ahead. Be aware, I am not a man who makes unfounded predictions. That’s simply not the province of National Security experts, much less men who carry the weight and honor of War College along with their name. However, I have some measured predictions for the year that faces us in 2016.

Iran

Look for unforeseen hidden clauses in the Iranian nuclear deal to trigger the union of the United States of America and Iran. With the two states joined as one, ties will be banned as most men must wear gaudy polyester shirts unbuttoned past the nipple, as is the style of Iranians. Secession calls will be threatened by Tehran’s ICBM arsenal, which they’ve been constructing in secret in a facility underneath the American embassy since 1979. Billions will be extorted into ayatollah coffers annually and the NBA will become illegal (haram).

Israel

Something tells me this is the year that Jews finally become Christians. It’s been a very long time coming, and it just sort of makes sense. Look for the flag to be redesigned.

The European Union

I estimate that the approximately 50 million Arab Muslims who emigrated to Europe in this past year have already impregnated their wives, some with triplets even. Mathematical modeling dictates that this gives us, at the conservative end, 300 million Muslims across all the EU. The consequences are obvious: the British parliament will likely be replaced with a madrassa (Islam for Sunday school except that it runs all week). Most European languages will be outlawed, so start buying your Rosetta Stone disks if you’d like your kids to be able to speak German.

Lebanon

Enough of this place. There’s gonna be no more of this country in 2016. I think everyone will finally just give up.

Australia

WIth the chickens coming home to roost in Western Europe and the U.S., look for this island of free thinkers to become the world’s preeminent superpower.

Russia

My master’s thesis “Russians: White Or Not” will circulate amongst Ukrainians and leak into Russia, finally causing the civil war this nation rightfully deserves.

That about does it. From Jeff’s War Rumpus Room to you, in your basement apartment where a local legend of a man with a grotesque deformity infrequently peers into your window and scares you, I’ll see you next year.

Professor Jeff Wilhelm is a father, husband, key party organizer, and analyst working from home. He is the author of “Iran So Far Away: The Hitler Of Nations” and is working on an espionage novel “Decisionpoint–The Wife’s Husband.” He is on Twitter at @Real_Prof_Jeff.