5 Tips For Nikki Haley’s Response to the State of the Union

Nikki Haley SOTURead
(credit: Getty)

The response to the State of the Union address is a rebuttal speech delivered by a representative (or, like, 45 representatives) of the opposition party following a presidential State of the Union address. (You know how car rides sometimes put infants to sleep? The response to the State of the Union is like a car ride for the entire f*#king country.)  

This year, the GOP selected Nikki Haley to subject our republic to recorded Lunesta and we wanted to give her some advice:

1. Don’t mention the confederate flag

Look, it’s cool that you called for the confederate flag to be taken down, but if you mention that “victory” people will realize you declined to call for its removal only a year before a gunman killed 9 people in your state. They’ll probably also figure out that it was politically advantageous when you finally came around because the alternative was getting into a debate about gun control, because the gunman used, you know, guns. Also, it might become clear you think that South Carolina figured out its racial divide once they elected you, which is not how racial divides between two races that you aren’t work.

2. Don’t invite Bill Clinton

He’s pretty charismatic for the most part, but he led what may be the worst response to the State of the Union in the history of this heinous tradition. Don’t believe us?

HOW DO THEY HEAR ANYTHING WITH ALL THAT HAIR OVER THEIR EARS? IT’S LIKE MAGIC!

3. Don’t be Bobby Jindal

We realize it’s unlikely that Nikki Haley would actually metamorph into Bobby Jindal during her speech, but we don’t want to take that chance. This was a nightmare: 

4. Don’t deliver it in Spanish

Haley, you’re not the conservative rockstar that Marco Rubio thought he was when he decided to deliver the response en espanol. Also, you don’t speak en espanol. Also, if the past is prologue, when speaking en espanol, your mouth gets really dry and you’re forced to take a swig of Poland Spring at the worst possible moment.

5. Add some music

Maybe some Kendrick. Or something more of the moment, like a hologram of David Bowie. Yes, that’ll do. A hologram of David Bowie singing GOP talking points about how immigrants are just as dangerous as the cancer that killed him.