NFL Welcomes New Crop of Future Head Trauma Victims in Service of Billionaires

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CHICAGO, IL - APRIL 28: NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell speaks during the first round of the 2016 NFL Draft at the Auditorium Theatre of Roosevelt University on April 28, 2016 in Chicago, Illinois. (Photo by Jon Durr/Getty Images)

The NFL kicked off its annual draft last night as hundreds of able-bodied college students offered themselves up to sustain multiple years of head trauma in the service of billionaires who control their employment rights.

The billionaires are a diverse lot, with fortunes built from sources ranging from the oil industry to the oil and gas industry. Some are reclusive yachtsmen, others are boisterous with villainous mustaches. All seek fresh young bodies to hurl themselves at one another for purposes of financial enrichment.

The first future head trauma victim to be drafted was quarterback Jared Goff from the University of California – Berkeley. He was selected by the newly relocated Los Angeles Rams, which will be convenient if Goff ever gets injured, becomes addicted to painkillers, and ends up on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew. He won’t even have to move!

Goff was followed in the draft by fellow quarterback Carson Wentz, whose assignment to Philadelphia makes it likely that he’ll end his career concussed on the turf while the hometown crowd showers him with boos.

The full collection of drafted players, whose future chronic traumatic encephalopathy will be partially covered by a settlement between the NFL and its players’ union, will now embark upon a career where they plow headfirst into each other’s knees for the rewards of an unguaranteed contract. They’ll be closely supervised by a commissioner who earns $44 million annually to make sure that the balls they chase are properly inflated — and clog up the federal court system if they’re not.

In summary, if Donald Trump thinks that the Iran nuclear agreement is “the worst deal ever negotiated,” it means one thing is certain: He hasn’t seen the deal the players’ union signed with the NFL.

Congratulations, NFL draftees! Enjoy the next 3.3 years!

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