“MR. PUTIN, LET MY SON GO”: Carl Diggler’s Father Appeals to Putin to Release His Son ASAP

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FROM THE DESK OF COLONEL DIGGLER
AMERICAN RECONNAISSANCE CORPORATION
TEMPORARY OFFICE AT HOMS, SYRIA
DESTROY IMMEDIATELY

This has gone on long enough.

Tempered Eagle (or as most know you, Vladimir Putin), this has been a fun game. I’m proud of you in a way, finally getting one over on me. It must be edifying that across three agencies, six proxy wars, and five decades, you’ve notched a definitive victory over your old rival once.

Fate would place us both in Syria. Remember this same fate lost armies for you in Afghanistan and saw you weep as your wall fell at the twilight of the 20th century. Do not count her as your mistress. All of us in this business take turns with her, if you so recall.

Fate placed my son Carl there. All this really comes to is being in the optimal position to acquiesce when fate calls us, and to create the optimal conditions to do so. In that way, spycraft is our sorcery. This is has been our mutual, respected truth, no?

That said, this one’s done with. The boy knows far less than you could even imagine. Believe me on this if you have ever believed a word I have said to you.

Conditions are acceptable for me to forfeit an acceptable loss of Nusra proxy territories in exchange for my son. Well played.

That is enough of that.

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I would like to address the following to Carl, wherever you are:

Carl. You are my son. Despite your best attempts to disprove this in both appearance and deed, it is true. You may not take after me in any way whatsoever, but I concede I brought you into existence. I must tell you two things consequent to the latest events;

  1. I will always accept, tolerate, and permit you.
  2. Regarding the events of Thanksgiving, it is OK to fail. It is perfectly acceptable to not succeed if you chose not to. If it was your mission to fail, as I deem it was, you have no reason to flee to another country to “prove yourself,” place yourself in danger, and worst of all, interfere with my work.

Thus, in the future, I trust you will heed the following:

  1. Accept that you will not succeed at very many things, but that this is acceptable.
  2. Realize you have created a child and feel contented in this.
  3. Tell your co-worker Jeff to cease all contact with me.

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VIRTUS TENTAMINE GAUDET        —-         COL. DIGGLER