It’s exactly one week until Christmas Day, and we’ve got one more gift list for you. Even though Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, Ted Cruz, and Bernie Sanders each got their own guides, this one is split 5 ways among 5 floundering candidates. Let’s see if they’re better at picking presents than connecting with voters…
Ben Carson: A Big Book of Nasty Slurs ($6)
The single greatest scourge plaguing America is political correctness. You can change this by gifting a tome like The Big Book of Being Rude: 7000 Slang Insults (“Will delight language lovers with a high-tolerance for vulgarity, ethnic slurs, and all-around contempt.”—New York Daily News). Imagine the joy on your loved ones’ faces as they sit beneath the Christmas tree and unwrap a book of slurs about the Mexican men who cut down that tree and hauled it to your car! It’s not even Christmas yet, and we can already hear America being saved.
Mike Huckabee: CDs From A Gas Station ($10) You know those CDs on display at a gas station between the sunflower seeds and the beef jerky? You might as well call them Huck’s Greatest Hits! Artists like Lynyrd Skynyrd, Ted Nugent, and Hank Williams, Jr. all have jammed with bass-playing Governor Huckabee, and all are well-represented in CD racks from ExxonMobil to Pilot Flying J. Simply blow away the thin layer of dust, and they’re ready to wrap!
Carly Fiorina: Baby Parts ($30) This isn’t a good gift. But baby parts are practically the only thing available for retail sale in Obama’s America. Planned Parenthood is paying women to get pregnant so they can abort the fetuses, harvest their brains, and sell them on the black market for $30. And there’s video evidence: Video of Carly Fiorina claiming this to be true. Open and shut case.
Jeb Bush: Soft Money (any amount, any price) Maybe there’s someone special on your list that you’d like to be extra generous to, but you’re a little embarrassed to admit it. Maybe you’re fine with them knowing about the gift, but you don’t want the public to know. The solution? Soft money — you know, the shady, unlimited donations that can be given to campaigns . No amount is too much, and while your loved one can’t spend the money themselves, they can “coordinate” with an outside party to spend it on whatever their heart desires, whether that’s an XBox or TV commercials in New Hampshire.
Lindsey Graham: Coal ($7)
If you have any Americans on your shopping list, they don’t deserve a gift. They’ve created a monster named Barack Rodham Trump, and it’s an embarrassment to the hard working politicians who put it all on the line to campaign to them. So give coal and teach your American loved ones a hard-earned lesson. If they get mad, don’t worry. They’ll all be killed by ISIS soon enough. Now who wants eggnog?