As you may have heard, for the second consecutive year no minorities were nominated in any of the four acting categories for the Academy Awards.
So we decided to help the Academy out and give them some tips on how to go all-in and avoid color altogether:
1. Instead of giving out traditional gold Oscar statuette, award winners a gallon of milk. Is there anything whiter than milk? Maybe Gary Busey (his IMDB bio starts with the words “A blond-haired, fair-complexioned actor”). But you can’t just make him the new Oscar, especially not after his role as Uncle Seymour in Bikini Model Academy. So milk it is.
2. Make the red carpet white. The red carpet is long overdue for an update. Why not use this as an opportunity to promote the Academy’s inherent caucasian bias?
3. New dress code: black tie out; white bowtie in. Why stop with the nominations? If Idris Elba can’t get a nod for Beasts of No Nation, there’s really no reason the tuxedos need to be black. That doesn’t even take into account how cool Channing Tatum is going to look in a bowtie.
4. Start show with Chris Rock, but replace with Amy Poehler & Tina Fey half-way through the ceremony. Somehow, the Academy had a mental breakdown and hired a black comedian to host the event. Not a problem. Let him start the show, hope he doesn’t point out how white everyone is, and gently euthanize him backstage. After disposing of his body, you can let Tina Fey and Amy Poehler take over. Remember how good they were at the Golden Globes? That shit was hilarious.
We know they’re women, but they’re white woman. That’s, like, less awkward, right?