Kaepernick Files Collusion Grievance, Citing Jay Cutler And Scott Tolzien As Evidence

(Photo by Harry How/Getty Images)

Colin Kaepernick, who came within yards of winning a Super Bowl but remains unemployed as an NFL quarterback, has filed a lawsuit accusing the NFL’s 32 owners of colluding against him.

His evidence? Let’s start with NFL starting quarterbacks Josh McCown, DeShone Kizer, Case Keenum, and Jay Cutler — whose only path to the Super Bowl would be selling cigarettes in a Marlboro booth outside the stadium.

Then there’s Kaepernick’s old team, the San Francisco 49ers, whose quarterback position currently rotates between Brian Hoyer (who couldn’t hold down a starting job in Cleveland) and C.J. Beathard, who is a rookie but appears to be roughly 60 years old.

But Kaepernick — who alleges he’s been blacklisted for kneeling during the National Anthem last season — isn’t even demanding that he be a starting quarterback for an NFL team. He has openly stated his willingness to be a backup, and that means he’s also being passed over for such stalwarts as Scott Tolzien, Ryan Mallett, Mark Sanchez, Kellen Clemens, and Brandon Weeden. Yes, the Weed Man!

Because the NFL’s players work for the league’s owners under a collective bargaining agreement, Kaepernick’s complaint is not a lawsuit to be heard in a court. Rather, it will be heard by a man named Stephen Burbank, whose title is “NFL Special Master” — perhaps foretelling a future where the NFL has to give up contact football and merge with Dungeons & Dragons.

ESPN reports that Dungeon Special Master Burbank will convene a conference call with representatives of both Kaepernick and the NFL owners this week, during which each side may outline its argument.

Kaepernick’s side will presumably argue that the NFL owners have chosen to forsake their sport’s supposed meritocracy to ban a player for political speech. And the NFL’s side will need to argue that, hey, Brandon Weeden and Kellen Clemens are really good, okay, and just need to be given a 4th and 5th chance, respectively, to prove it.

Look for a verdict as clean as a Mark Sanchez QB sneak.