Joel Osteen’s Bible Just May Read a Little Different Than Yours


When Harvey hit Houston, Joel Osteen, famed televangelist and ’90s hair gel model, immediately did the right thing and opened the doors of his 16,000 seat church for victims of the flooding.

Just kidding. He only did it after tons of massive public pressure.

But who can blame Osteen? He’s only following these classic Bible verses.

“There will always be poor people in the land. But not, like, in your church, because honestly … gross.” – Deuteronomy 15:11

“Looking at him, Jesus felt a love for him and said to him, ‘One thing you lack: go and sell all you possess and give it to the poor.” And the rich young ruler said, ‘What about my $10.5 million house that I built by repackaging the Gospel as self-help?’ and Jesus was like, ‘Omg, well obviously not that, keep that.'” – Mark 10:21

“Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. BUT OBVIOUSLY ONLY WHEN IT IS DRY OUTSIDE, SHOULDN’T HAVE TO SPECIFY THAT BUT I WILL, THE GOSPEL IS OFF WHEN IT GETS WET.” – Galatians 6:2

“Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you, unless we’re talking about the IRS, in which case whatevs.” – Matthew 5:42

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility, value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of Others. By ‘Others,’ I obviously mean the creepy ‘Others’ from LOST, and who knows what their interests might be, but they definitely liked locked doors and hatches.” – Philippians 2:3-4

“For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was stranded on top of my roof in Houston and you said, ‘New phone, who dis?'” – Matthew 25:35