TODAY’S ROUNDUP: Jeb Bush’s Campaign Revealed to Be Elaborate Prank on Jeb Bush

TODAY’S ROUNDUP: Jeb Bush’s Campaign Revealed to Be Elaborate Prank on Jeb Bush

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HAPPY THURSDAY.

On this day in 1929, the “Black Tuesday” crash triggered the “Great Depression,” which wasn’t actually so Great. (Talk about false advertising.)

 

JEB BUSH’S CAMPAIGN REVEALED TO BE ELABORATE PRANK ON JEB BUSH

RICH MEN JUST CAN’T GET A BREAK ON CNBC—Jeb Bush’s campaign tried to build up excitement for Wednesday night’s GOP debate by announcing a huge new endorsement… from former vice president Dan Quayle :(.

QUAYLE WAS JEB’S FATHER’S RUNNING MATE and Sarah Palin before Sarah Palin wasn’t cool.

THE ODD TIMING OF THIS ANNOUNCEMENT and Bush’s team completely telegraphing an attack on Marco Rubio’s voting record — that slammed back into Bush’s face like a cartoon rake he’d stepped on — forces a simple conclusion: The people running Jeb Bush’s campaign are purposely screwing with Jeb Bush. Or they’re just trying to elect Marco Rubio.

TED CRUZ DEMANDED THAT CNBC GIVE REPUBLICANS A TRIGGER WARNING when they asked questions that don’t assume America was better off in 2008.

THE JUNIOR SENATOR FROM TEXAS also unveiled his plans to help women: He will allow them to marry men and he could lose to Hillary Clinton by double digits.

MARCO RUBIO SEEMS TO BE THE CONSENSUS WINNER OF THE DEBATE. Like most of the Republicans on the stage, he attacked the moderators more than his opponents. But Republican voters seemed to really respond to his ability to always sound as if he’s reading a Hallmark card to a toddler.

RUBIO ALSO IMPRESSED BY SAYING that he would allow immigrants in to do jobs that Americans won’t do — like marry Donald Trump.

REPUBLICANS ARE CONVINCED THAT CNBC WAS VERY MEAN and biased against them last night. The crowd exploded any time the media was attacked. Imagine believing that media bias against conservatives is a huge problem in America but that black people just imagine there’s still racism.

FACT CHECKS OF THE DEBATE HAVE FOUND that there weren’t many.

IN CASE YOU MISSED IT…

IN TODAY’S CAFE, check out this movie trailer for a spooky Halloween movie that actually just consists of creepy comments Ben Carson has made.  

ALSO, WITH SOME CLINTON SUPPORTERS accusing Bernie Sanders of sexism, enjoy this fun quiz: “Who Said It: Bernie Sanders or Some Other Notorious Sexist.

AND CAFE’S BELTWAY INSIDER HACK Carl “The Dig” Diggler has his post-debate report card. Check out who Carl’s surprise winner is here.

 

THE TORCH HAS BEEN PASSED TO A NEW GENERATION OF GUYS WHO SHOP AT THE MEN’S WEARHOUSE

HE CAN DO FOR THE HOUSE GOP WHAT HE DID FOR MITT ROMNEY!—Just before a budget deal that will avoid any major manufactured funding crises before the 2016 election passed the House, Paul Ryan won the backing of the GOP caucus to become the next Speaker of the House. He’s vowing to take on America’s biggest problems like the rich not being rich enough, too many people having health insurance and your grandma being able to retire one day.

JOHN BOEHNER WILL NOW SPEND HIS DAYS SHMOOZING, drinking and playing golf. So basically nothing will change. He’ll just get paid more to do it as a lobbyist.

 

TWO FOR ONE

TOO MANY DUDES—China has announced it will end its one-child policy, which will be replaced with a two-child policy. Your two children also come with two free sides.

CHINA REPORTEDLY CAME TO THE DECISION that it needed more females after watching the presidential debates.

 

FINALLY…

PEACE PRIZE FOR THE WAR ON DRUGS?—A West Virginia man repeatedly called 911 to turn himself in after listening to President Obama’s speech on substance abuse last week.

“[A] cooler full of drugs that included included digital scales, 16 Suboxone packs and patches, marijuana, 19 grams of ecstasy and 158 pain pills” were taken in the arrest. Police applauded the man for asking for help and noted that for people to understand the dangers of drugs, they usually have to see Rush Limbaugh on TV.