Incredibly Stupid Tech Startup Wants To Reinvent The Concept Of The Corner Store

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Two former Google employees are trying to reinvent the corner store with a new startup called Bodega. You know, corner stores – the thing that doesn’t need reinventing and nobody asked to have reinvented? Yeah.

What prompted this idea? Do these guys just hate human contact that much? “Hey, what’s the worst part of the corner store experience? It’s the “talking to people” part, right?” Look at this shit:

That’s a vending machine. You invented a vending machine.

Seriously, the Bodega stock photos look like the answer to the question, “what if an Old Navy commercial came to life and started selling chips and tampons?”

I don’t know how you can look around in 2017 and say to yourself, “we need less personal interaction and more nondescript glass boxes filled with brand-name products.” Oh, right. You work in the same industry that recently tried to invent the city bus.

So what’s next for these titans of Silicon Valley? I’ve got a few ideas for them.

  • A physical Netflix where you can browse movies in person.
  • Some sort of haircut robot that uses machine learning to better understand sports anecdotes.
  • DörMan: the apartment doorman that doesn’t talk to you, and is in fact just a long metal tube of some kind.
  • Tired of waking up early to walk your dog? Sign up for DogNoMore, the app that pairs you with a wandering vagrant who will break into your house and murder your dog.
  • Who else hates going to work? We sure do! That’s why we invented Gūn. Simply purchase Gūn and shoot yourself in the head. Boom – no more long days at the office!
  • Doing the dishes is a drag, but not anymore! With Dishular, simply place your dirty dishes in your apartment lobby, and they’ll be returned to you spic-and-span within a few days, give or take.
  • Books are the worst. Pay us to come to your house and burn them for you.
  • Self-driving cars? Pfft. Boring. Two words: self-downloading apps. That might be three words, not sure how to count hyphenated shit.
  • A dozen eggs? Who has time to eat that many? With Karton, you can buy your eggs one at a time, and also they’re made of some kind of polished mahogany now, and you can’t eat them, and they cost $60 each.