CARL DIGGLER WINS! How I Predicted the Most Super Tuesday Contests of Any Pundit in America

Carl Diggler CelebratesRead
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Yesterday, I stuck my neck out. I put my worth as a father of a perfect round boy and my 30-plus year career as a political journalist on the line as I dared to do what none of my colleagues had.

My entire life, people have doubted me. First, I was the boy whose Hellenic Inner Ear Syndrome made him the last pick in dodgeball. Then, I was one of the only boys on a liberal arts school campus during an experimental coeducational period, and my political interests were derided by snotty lit majors. After that, I was doubted by jealous journalists while my scoops on Pat Tillman’s JV football record got me invites to the White House Correspondent’s Dinner. People delighted when Ex-Mrs. Dig beat me in a custody fight. They praised family court. They kicked me around. But I knew then that I was right. And I was right again.

I called the winners of 20 out of 22 Super Tuesday contests (pending the GOP result in Alaska) and literally got every result right on the Democratic side — better than any of my colleagues, be they Bloomberg quants, clean-cut Politico analysts, or the face of dishonesty and cowardice, 538’s Nate Silver. While others were too afraid to call exotic locales like American Samoa and Minnesota, I bit down and dove into danger. None of you could last one minute in my world. You don’t have the courage, gut, or charisma. I have called winners of the week since the time of McGovern. I called the surge of John Anderson when I was but a boy. This is my life. This is who I am. I am Carl Allison Diggler, and I called it again.

Here’s how my predictions stacked up against mainstream pundits’. These charts are from Bloomberg Politics, which neglected to include me, so I added myself. First the Democrats:

Super Tuesday Carl Democrats Predictions

As you can see, I, Carl Diggler, predicted the winner of every single Democratic race yesterday. While the cowards at 538 failed to even proffer a prediction for close contests in Colorado, Minnesota, and American Samoa, I put my cards on the table. I went all in, and I won the jackpot. You can’t win if you don’t play, Natey boy, as all good gamblers know.

In Colorado, I foresaw the weed-addled devil stick-player vote coming out for Bernie, and I was right.

In Oklahoma, I foresaw the 19-year-old emo kids drinking 40s in Big Lots parking lots, following Conor Oberst’s command to vote for Bernie, and I was right.

In Minnesota, I foresaw the endlessly apologizing, shy, Minnesota Nice version of the Bernie Bro politely silencing women into a big win for the infantile gimmick candidate, and I was Gosh damned right.

12 contests. 12 predictions. 12 correct calls for Carl Diggler. Do not forget my name.

Here’s how I did on the GOP contests:

carl correct gop no alaska

As of press time, the Alaska Caucus has not been called, but Trump is leading. If that lead holds, I’ll have predicted 9 out of the 11 Republican primary races.

My instincts failed in Arkansas, where Cruz narrowly lost to Trump. And I was wrong in Oklahoma, where Cruz beat Trump. I’m comforted in the thought that everyone else joined me in being wrong in Oklahoma, while I was merely punished for my audacity in Arkansas.

Yet in the Minnesota caucus, I called Marco Rubio’s crushing victory where no one else saw it.  I saw his victory among the fleece-clad business conservatives who are too put off by Trump’s rudeness and the atrocity of Ted Cruz’s physical appearance as if I were the prophet Daniel.

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Since the Iowa Caucus (which I also called correctly, obviously) I have called the winners — and often the 2nd, and 3rd place finishers — of 27 out of 30 primary contests. I have the best record of election prognostication of anyone this cycle: better than Nate Silver, better than PredictWise, better than the Politico insiders, better than Bing. So why am I still denied my due from my colleagues in the press corps? Why does Bloomberg Politics refuse to include me in their prediction charts? Maybe they’ve seen how foolish they look next to me. Whatever it is, I’m calling on all the Digheads now to take to Twitter and let everyone know that Carl A. Diggler deserves a space at the table.

Carl “The Dig” Diggler has covered national politics for 30 years, and is the author of “Think-ocracy: The Rise Of The Brainy Congressman”. Got a question for the Dig? E-mail him at carl@cafe.com or Tweet to @carl_diggler.

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