Hugh Hefner Is in Heaven, Pressuring the Angels to Do a Few Tasteful Nudes

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(Photo by Charley Gallay/Getty Images for Playboy)

Playboy magazine founder Hugh Hefner has died at the age of 91, and now he’s in heaven, pressuring the angels to do a few tasteful nudes.

Hefner, who is well-connected to the most powerful agents and executives in heaven, will merely want a select group of beautiful angels to maximize their modeling potential in what’s known to be a very cutthroat business. Nothing exploitative — he’s just here to help. You want to be a star, don’t you?

The angels, who like The Hef once dwelled on Earth in human form, will be asked to bare all, but only in celebration of their bodies, and certainly not simply for the personal enjoyment and business advancement of a creepy old man. No, sir — none of that here.

Perhaps there will be a bit of up-robe photography. Maybe a provocative shot of an angel perched on a cloud, with her celestial harp positioned in a manner that leaves little to the imagination. Or perhaps Hef will just tell an angel to take it all off and spread her legs like a tramp. But don’t worry — it’s all very tasteful stuff.

The angels will be paid surprisingly little for their nude work, just like on Earth. But this is heaven — money’s no good here. And if all goes well, a few lucky angels will even get to be The Hef’s wife, or at least his simultaneous girlfriends in a way that is not demeaning in the slightest.

But the best part of it all is that Hef will bring a sexual revolution to heaven, and that’s basically just a synonym for female empowerment. It will be all about high taste, affirmation, and celebrating women. Just ask Hef’s earthly friends Gene Simmons, Woody Allen, and Bill Cosby.

So get ready, ladies of heaven! Take off those robes and advance your careers. And men of heaven, get ready for a new era of class and taste. The key is to remember this handy phrase that people used to say down here on Earth: “I read it for the articles.”