Are You A Racist? Here Are 5 Ways To Tell

(Photo by Emily Molli/NurPhoto via Getty Images)

You may know one. They may sit next to you in the cafeteria during lunch, blabbering on and on about Serena Williams being a bully. Maybe they share a vegetable co-op with you, or help you choose date outfits at H&M. Shoot, they may even be ya’ boo, or end up next to you during seat placements at Thanksgiving. Racists come in multiple shapes and sizes and hardly ever wear signs on their shirts.

Luckily, there are usually some very clear indicators. They might shout “I hate black people!” at Whole Foods when the line is too long. Or mutter, “thug” under their breath when a five year-old walks by clutching a Power Ranger too tight (because that could definitely be a gun). But maybe, you just need a little help filtering out the racists from the non-racists. Perhaps you’re questioning why you like your co-worker Tyrone. Is it because he’s nice or because you want him to teach you how to dunk? So, we’ve compiled a nice little list to help you check for any racists that might be lurking near the office coffee maker…


1. “Listen, I Have Black Friends…”

This is header one in the “I am racist” section of the “How To Be a Racist” tool guide. If you’ve said this even once, you may be a racist on-the-low. It could have been in private with your friends. You may have seen a watermelon seed near a black person and tapped your friend to giggle a little. No harm, I like watermelon. But, if you’ve had to list all your black friends in defense of something you said during a meeting or at breakfast with family – you may have been bit by the racist bug. Now you gotta go home and watch a hundred episodes of Martin and bathe in African black soap and preorder a copies of Malcolm X for you and all your racist buddies


(Photo by Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images)

2. “Why Can’t I Say the N Word?”

There are sooo many other words in the lexicon. Why use a colloquialism that doubles as an offensive slur? Pro-tip: avoid it. Leave out the word when you’re rapping to your favorite Kendrick song and avoid using it as a joke. Save yourself the embarrassment (and potential injury) associated with uttering that word at the wrong place in front of the wrong people. If there’s still confusion at all on the matter, just err on the side of caution. Stuff some avocado toast in your mouth instead of your foot.


3. You Defended #Charlottesville.

If a bunch of dudes wielding tiki torches start walking around reciting a racist chant and you attempt to defend it – you gotta check that “racist” box on the 2018 Census. You gotta file ya’ taxes as “Racist Dependent”. Go buy yourself a white sheet, cut some holes in it, and blame everything on affirmative action. Gripe about lazy POC relying on welfare benefits. Cut off all your hair or grow it out reeeeally long (racists don’t like middle-of-the-road hairstyles) and start posting comments on YouTube with no photo avatar; just the username “Make America Great”. Racist stamp? Approved.


4. “Who, Me? Oh, I Don’t See Color…”

The “I don’t see color” folks get me agitated. My color is likely the first thing you see. Unless you’re completely blind, or have a medical condition that affects your eye cones, you should be able to distinguish color. Now, you may not be a racist, but you are definitely a silly ass human. It is okay to see color. In fact, it’s the preference; see my color – recognize it, recognize me. Know that I am Black and that I identify as such and you noticing it is natural. Seeing race is fine. Acting like you don’t see race is a farce, it’s misleading, and it’s also kind of dumb. Don’t be dumb.
(Photo credit should read NICHOLAS KAMM/AFP/Getty Images)

5. You Voted for Trump.

Now this is a little dicey…I get it. I mean, is it fair to classify a whole segment of voters as racist? I mean, I don’t think so. Look at it this way. Let’s sat I was all like “yo’ I hate anyone who watches child pornography, ugggh!”. Then, you see me hanging out with a bunch of child pornogrophers. I even hire one of my kiddy porn friends to walk my dog and another to mow my lawn. What if a bunch of these perverts had a big child porn march celebrating their way of life and when you asked me my opinion, I was like “but yo’ what about all those kids? They’re just as bad!”… How crazy would I sound?

I would sound very crazy. Crazy like a racist.