How to Exercise Your First Amendment Rights Without Being Classified as an ‘Identity Extremist’ by the FBI

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In early October, Foreign Policy published an eye-opening report from the FBI entitled, “Black Identity Extremists Likely Motivated to Target Law Enforcement Officers.” According to this report, it is the police officers who experience police brutality, not the unarmed black civilians and children they shoot. The FBI says these “Black Identity Extremists” can be identified by feelings of anger towards the police and “anti-white rhetoric.” It doesn’t mention Black Lives Matter by name, but I think we can connect the dots here.

I, for one, am sick and tired of seeing these BIEs all over the news threatening the safety and livelihood of white people by demanding that they be held accountable when they unjustly murder black people. And, on a personal note, it’s really inconvenient to drive around a BLM protest on your way to brunch with the ladies. Susan gets really mad at me when I’m late because they won’t seat us until the entire party is present. It’s a whole thing.

Now, if you insist on exercising your constitutional rights, there are ways you can do it without scaring white people and/or making them experience uncomfortable feelings such as guilt — i.e. the kind of stuff that forces the FBI to fabricate racially motivated reports that promote fear-mongering and also makes me late to brunch:

Walk Around With Millions of People

Did you see the Women’s March? Literally millions of people across the country gathered to march for women’s rights without a single bout of violence. Want to know why? There’s safety in numbers! Next time, don’t walk around alone. Turn everything into a million-people march. Maybe include music and inspirational speeches. Preferably by charismatic leaders that can be commemorated with national holidays or something.


Another great nonviolent option is a boycott. In fact, it’s probably one of the most peaceful acts of resistance you can do. Make sure to tie it to your cause so people won’t try to obfuscate the message. For example, if you’re protesting systemic murder against one specific race of people, refrain from participating in symbolic gestures that represent the perpetrators of that violence and hypocrisy. It would be impossible for someone not to get that!


Everyone loves art. Create timeless works of literature, film, music, dance — basically any art form — to convey injustice. But make sure to do it in a way that doesn’t disrupt the American way of life and force us to confront our country’s historical shame. (Especially if you want to win an Oscar.)

A Modern-Day Version of the Boston Tea Party

If you must go the protest route, the Boston Tea Party is such a widely celebrated protest that I don’t think anyone who glorifies it should have a problem with protests.

These are just some off the top of my head. Give it a try! As the president likes to say: “What do you have to lose?”

Oh, wait. Now that I think about it … these only work if you’re white. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯