Google Announces Plans To Take Over Every Facet Of Your Life

Signage for Google Inc, with logo, at the Googleplex, headquarters of Google Inc in the Silicon Valley town of Mountain View, California, April 7, 2017. (Photo via Smith Collection/Gado/Getty Images).

Last week, Google unveiled a new slate of hardware products that are guaranteed to infiltrate your life on every level, turning you into a virtual Google puppet. In other words, Google is trying to do what Apple has been doing for years.

The tech giant is launching two new Pixel phones to compete with the new iPhone. The new generation of Pixels will have an exciting new feature: doing things you didn’t ask them to. Wired UK reported: “…if Google hears a song playing in the background, it will automatically display the song and artist on the lock screen without being asked to do so.” Now, you may find the idea of your phone behaving like you’re in the part the movie right before the A.I. takeover deeply unsettling. You may not want your appliances taking initiative, like an eager young intern gunning for your job. Next thing you know, your Pixel 2 will be piping up at meetings and texting your ex-girlfriend. Before you know it, your phone will have moved into your bedroom, changed the locks, and stolen your identity (and your girlfriend). That may not be your preference – but that’s the way it is, because Google Has Spoken. The Pixel 2 will start around $650, and the Pixel 2 XL around $850 – and can you really put a price on having your privacy compromised every second of every day?

Then, of course, there’s Google Home, meant to directly compete with the popular Amazon Echo. It features all the creepiness of your new Pixel Phone, but with an added bonus of being inside your house even when you’re not there.. Be sure not to reveal any embarrassing or incriminating secrets while relaxing in the comfort of your living room, lest your Google Home rat you out to loved ones, employers, or the feds.

Another game-changing new Google product is Google Clips, which is a camera chock full of Google’s advanced artificial intelligence. The Clips automatically records short GIF-style clips for you. Auto. Matically. Google is really loving this whole don’t ask permission thing. An A.I. camera that’s constantly recording every move you make, and those of everyone around you seems perfectly harmless. After all, one of Google’s primary mantras is “Do No Harm.” Would a huge company really lie to you? No way! Google promises that the Clips will not export videos without asking you first. We’ll see about that. Even Elon isn’t buying it.

Last but not least, it’s Google Pixel Buds. The $99 earphones will feature Google Assistant, meaning, most importantly, that you can use Google Translate in real time to understand someone speaking a foreign language. It seems as though Google is attempting to revert humanity back to one global language, like it was in the days before the Tower of Babel so offended the Most High. How dare Google defy God’s will? Do they not know it was the Lord who created many languages to punish the sins of mankind? Doth Google truly dare to stare eye to eye with Yahweh and spit in His/Her face? A pox on Mountain View and its heresy!

Google Clips sounds pretty cool, though!