CAFE INVESTIGATION: Are Golden State Warriors Nation’s Best Chance to Defeat ISIS?

(Ezra Shaw/Getty Images)

After the Golden State Warriors’ thorough drubbing of the San Antonio Spurs, by, like, a million points, a natural question has arisen: What if we sent this invincible basketball team to fight our foremost existential threat?

After considering the question carefully, here are several reasons why the Golden State Warriors could be a decent bet to demolish the Islamic State:

1. More bandwagon fans than ISIS has recruits. The Dubs are popular. Mostly because their leader is something of an everyman with unreal shooting range and handles that make defensive player of the year candidates spin around like motorized dreidels.  That and the only extremist ideology they’re peddling is never losing. It makes sense that they’re attracting thousands of young fans. If beating ISIS requires troops on the ground, why not send people who live in the Bay Area? (It might have the added benefit of leading to lower rents)

2. Stephen Curry is more accurate than a drone strike. Look, drones are great but in the words of Knicks great John Starks: “did this dude just do this.” Imagine sending Steph Curry into the outer atmosphere and having him rain basketballs on top of an ISIS safe house. There’s no way he misses and accidentally sets fire to a Doctors Without Borders hospital.

3. Head coach Steve Kerr once punched Michael Jordan in the face. If he’s willing to lay out the most obsessive, maniacal competitor since Genghis Khan, do you think he gives a shit about Abu Bakr Al Baghdadi? No, he does not.

4. They don’t care about causing international incidents. After the Warriors reminded the Cavaliers that they should probably forfeit the rest of the season by blowing them out without perspiring, Cleveland fired their world-renowned head coach David Blatt, who happens to be from Israel. That fearlessness would serve them well when they’re cutting up an ISIS defense.