Hola, Digheads! It’s great to be back in Brooklyn after my two-day trip to New Hampshire, where I got up close and personal with some the GOP candidates jostling to win the first-in-the-nation primary. As much as this veteran reporter loves the thrill of being in the field, after watching John Kasich take a shower at a truckstop and Carly Fiorina stare at a snuff video for three hours I’m ready to sit back in my studio apartment, crack open a Michelob Light Lime-a-Rita (or three!) and take your pressing questions about politics.
But first, your song of the day. This ditty has been stuck in my head ever since I heard it playing on loop in Carly Fiorina’s campaign dungeon:
Now on to your questions.
The latest poll out of New Hampshire showed Bernie up more than 20 percent over Hillary. Can he really win this thing?
Joseph in Tampa, FL
One word: Yes. And that’s horrible news for the Democrats.
The average voter who supports Bernie is young, white, male, violently misogynistic, and irrationally angry at the bipartisan consensus that has governed this country well for decades. I call them Bernie Babies, and while they may be able to steamroll the Democratic primaries by shouting over the voices of women, there just isn’t enough of them to win a general election.
Bernie Babies can’t convince other demographics to join their side, either. It is statistically proven that Bernie supporters are the most abusive and rude online, particularly towards respected nonpartisan journalists like me and Michael Cohen. Just look at some of the abuse we have been forced to endure from these entitled brats:
@carl_diggler stay out of this Carl. Maybe your son will finally call you back if you re-watch House of Cards for the 5th time
— Stefan BC (@Stefan_BC) January 20, 2016
@carl_diggler take the Santa off, pal.
— Dilbert Grape (@ChandlerDelTaco) January 21, 2016
It is obvious that the Sanders campaign has directly ordered every single one of these vindictive personal attacks on me and my colleagues. And until Bernie finally calls off his kamikaze attack on respectable politics, web sites like Twitter will need to take the lead in banning these vile trolls who improperly address veteran political writers. I’ve already e-mailed them a list of folks who need their “@” button privileges revoked. The ball is in their court.
Sarah Palin endorsing Donald Trump. Discuss.
Susan in San Antonio, TX
The only thing The Donald has to worry about is an FEC limit on LOLs per campaign! Voters have fond memories of Tina Fey’s epic SNL send-ups of Governor Palin, and already associate Trump with big time laughs. The combination of GIF-readiness, LOL-moments, and quasi-white nationalism may solidify Trump’s lead in Iowa.
Dig, did you see Rand Paul’s Reddit AMA? Does he have a secret weapon in millennials?
Garth in Red Wing, MN
I saw it Garth, and it was one of the most repulsive displays I’ve ever seen. Rand frequently brought up popular Reddit jokes as if he were throwing red meat into a filthy pit of apes, apes who got fired from the Geek Squad for open carrying and feel strongly about ephebophilia in anime. Look at this dreck:
Everyone else who saw this surely vomited. I know I did. This atrocious display can only hurt Rand and I never want to talk about it again.
Hey there, Digarino! I LOVED your dispatches from New Hampshire! As someone who has followed everything you’ve ever done over your entire career, I am confident in saying that if your humanizing, layered profile of John Kasich doesn’t win you that Polk Award, I’m just going to buy a gun and blow my brains out!
But seriously, I got a bone to pick with you, Dig. How come you didn’t let The Milk know you were taking a trip up north? You know I rented that timeshare ski lodge up by Hanover just in case you ever wanted to hit the slopes with me. The mortgages on it are kinda killing me, and I have to share it with this big Greek family, but it’d all be worth it for the day us two wild and crazy guys take the Bolt Bus up I-91, spend the afternoon getting mad scoops from all the candidates, then spend the evening hitting up some college bars, hustling some pool, maybe picking up a couple Dartmouth honeys to take back my timeshare to roast some marshmallows by the fireplace with just me and you and the Karathanasopouloses. Whaddya say, Dig Man? There’s still two months of winter! We can blast some of those David Bowie tunes you’re so fond of too (though with all due respect to Mr. David, I’m more of a Ringo Starr guy myself).
David “The Milk” Milkberg in Essex Co, NJ
David, you can’t come on assignment with me. That violates all types of ethics. Absolutely not and never ask me that again.
Carl “The Dig” Diggler has covered national politics for 30 years, and is the author of “Think-ocracy: The Rise Of The Brainy Congressman”. Got a question for the Dig? E-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org or Tweet to @carl_diggler.