EXCLUSIVE ANALYSIS: Bernie Sanders Should Get New Jeans & Why I May Pull a Shia LaBeouf

EXCLUSIVE ANALYSIS: Bernie Sanders Should Get New Jeans & Why I May Pull a Shia LaBeouf

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I hope everyone in Digland is extra-excited for the weekend, since we’ve got a Democratic Presidential debate this Saturday night. In Donald-speak, this is gonna be “yuge!”

And as if that weren’t enough to look forward to, tomorrow I finally get to go out with my feminist Tumblr girlfriend KweenTrashWytch✨✨! We’ll be going shoe shopping at the JC Penney Outlet Mall in Woodbury then retiring to Casa de Dig to watch Hillary, Bernie, and Martin O’Malley go head to head in Des Moines, IA. There’s definitely going to be some tumbling — and I don’t just mean on TV! I know Professor Jeff Wilhelm is seen as the only polyamorous writer at CAFE, but with the debates and my girlfriend in one room, I can’t help but wonder if I’m not engaging in plural love myself. (Just kidding!)

Because of this wonderful weekend, I’m doing half preview, half mailbag today. Without further ado, here’s what to expect when you’re expecting fireworks at The Calamity In The Cornfield, the final Democratic debate in Des Moines, Iowa.

(Photo by Joe Raedle/Getty Images)
(Photo by Joe Raedle/Getty Images)

Hillary Clinton

The dip-swelling, energy drink-addled flyover types that will comprise the audience in Iowa may be challenged, but they know when they’re being lied to. These are simple, selfless people, who have volunteered a large part of their meaningless time to be the first in the nation to vote in primaries. They will not respond well if Hillary does not address the emails that have plagued her campaign since day one. My advice to the former First Lady is to come clean, then move straight into the pragmatic leadership that has made her the clear frontrunner. These dogs in human bodies respect a firm hand, and Mrs. Clinton has the huevos to be a strong woman.

Bernie Sanders

Uh-oh, Bernie! If this elderly infant was in The Wizard of Oz, he might exclaim, “We’re not in Brooklyn anymore!” That’s right, and the UFC fans who will make up the audience aren’t exactly going to roll out the carpet for an East Coast fringe candidate who seems more interested in throwing temper tantrums than leading. It’s a done deal that Bernie is going to be spit roasted by both the crowd and Hillary, so if he wants to get out of there alive, he has one way out. He should camouflage himself in a No Fear t-shirt and True Religion jeans so he can blend in with the crowd and escape with his life. Sadly, that would cost him support among the spoiled, woman-hating Bernie Babies who are his most public supporters.

Martin O’Malley

The former Maryland governor has been playing the long game in advance for this debate. While he hung back and let the crowd take in his lovely wife and daughter, Bernie cried, Hillary lied, Webb led, and Lincoln Chafee was a urinal with a mouth. With one large cockroach and one hero now out of the race, O’Malley is ready to step up in Iowa. This tweet is evidence of that:

Anticipating the scornful, resentful whites of Iowa, O’Malley is mirroring his social media presence to theirs. Look out for the photogenic guitarist to get a DUI and post how failure is exactly like success, a favorite of the mouth-breathing Keystone drinker constituency in the Cornhole State.

Now let’s take a couple questions from Dig readers like you:

Hey Dig,

I’m finna apologize for being a total f***boy last week. I’ve been working hella hard to get woken up like you and not swerve out of my lane. In that regard I was researching how not to mansplain, and I discovered that Shia LaBeouf is not only an A-list Hollywood celeb, but also a good male ally like you. This week he’s livestreaming himself watching all of his movies. Any chance we could get a 24-hour livestream of The Dig re-reading articles from his 30 years of experience writing about politics? That would be on point!

David “The Milk” Milkberg, Essex County, NJ

David, could you be trying any harder to make a fool of yourself? First you culturally appropriate the vernacular of indigenous Tumblr users like my gf, then you try to gaslight me, and then you think I’ll be happy about your posing? Could you not? I want to knock the Judith Butler books out of your hand, then tell you to pick them up and read them. Next time you write to me, leave out the toxic masculinity kthx.

As for the livestream, it’s not a bad idea. I’ve been meaning to reread my Polk Award-nominated series “Travelgate: The Final Nail In The Clinton Coffin.”

Dig, Israel recently struck Hezbollah targets outside of Damascus. With an increasingly complex situation on the ground in Syria given the multiple overlapping and conflicting powers and interests, do you think any candidate is best suited to avoid an international incident involving the civil war?

Joseph in Huntley, IL

Hey, Joseph, save the niche issues for the campus bulletin board. We’re talking about serious stuff here, not stuff your wackadoo friends over there at the hookah lounge prattle on about.

That about does it for this week. Follow my Twitter feed @carl_diggler Saturday night to watch me livesnark the CBS debate. But don’t expect to get a quick response to your @’s if I’m busy with my girlfriend. 😉

Carl “The Dig” Diggler has covered national politics for 30 years, and is the author of “Think-ocracy: The Rise Of The Brainy Congressman.” Got a question for the Dig’s mailbag? E-mail him at carl@cafe.com or Tweet to @carl_diggler.