CARL DIGGLER CONFESSION: I Was Once Protested By Black Lives Matter, Too

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It’s the freakin’ weekend, Digheads! Before we can put on our party hats, pour our special Friday Michelob Ultras, and crank the tunes, we have one last bit of work on our plates: the Dig’s Friday Mailbag! It’s been a firecracker week, what with Sanders’ Wisconsin victory, the start of the New York primary, and Bill Clinton’s vintage 2008 racism.

Our song this week reminds me of my prediction record. Sure, it isn’t perfect, but by virtue of being the best in the entire media, it’s a “perfect imperfection!”

Now on to your questions:

Who’s going to win the Wyoming caucus? I’m not seeing anything on FiveThirtyEight about it…

– Lance in Akron, OH

Mamas, don’t let your sons grow up to be pundits!! We’re a rough-riding type used to spending long, lonesome nights out on the “range” (dilapidated states like Iowa). But that’s about all we Beltway insiders have in common with the real life cowboys who dot the Wild Wild West state of Wyoming. These voters were raised to be tough old hands who can survive the many threats out West, from rustlers to rattlers to Injun attacks. They like their whiskey saloon-style and their emotions repressed. And they don’t have much use for ladyfolk, who, notwithstanding the occasional petticoat gal or Dr. Quinn-style medicine woman, are about as rare as an honest sheriff ’round those parts. This unfamiliarity with the fairer sex makes Wyomingites natural supporters of Bernie Sanders, whose campaign has been powered by the basement-dwelling misogynist internet harasser “Bernie Bros.” It’s lucky for Bernie that the real men of the West are too busy getting their cattle to market and forming posses to read my many columns, Tweets, and lawsuits exposing these insidious Bros as the pathetic, emasculated losers hunched over their Linux computers that they are. So Bernie Sanders will win the Wyoming caucus tomorrow. And remember, pard’ner, you heard that from Sheriff Dig, not Nate “Little-Man-Runs-Away-From-Battles” Silver!

Dig, Bernie winning Wisconsin is huge. How can you and your MSM colleagues act like a 13 percent victory in a major state means nothing? All of you are in the tank for Hillary, and proving our point about a preexisting narrative being sold to the media. Have you no shame for your…

I’m gonna stop you right there, Anders Boring Brevik. Bernie’s win means absolutely nothing. Take off your rose-colored glasses and take a look at the facts:

  • Sanders still trails by hundreds of delegates.
  • Sanders is handily losing the “sign primary” in key states by simple virtue of Hillary having more signs in more places.
  • Sanders has refused to apologize for his supporters calling me a “mongo f*ck.”

So calm down. You can rejoice with your white compatriots in Wisconsin and Washington, but overall you’re fighting a losing battle. In fact, Bernie winning Wisconsin by the margins he did proves that he’s a hypocrite. If he was really the reformer he claims to be, he’d have suspended his campaign and donated his entire war chest to vital Democratic causes like the reelection of Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, Birthright Israel, and Mark Kirk. Instead, he decided to win a vanity state by unsporting percentage points. Too bad he’s a liar, old, and a cheat.

What’s your take on Bill Clinton’s confrontation with Black Lives Matter protestors? I thought he came off pretty poorly! Do you think this will hurt Hillary in New York?

– Nash Josh in Granite City, IL

Well, I can tell you from firsthand experience that it’s hard to look good when you’re being protested by BLM. A few years ago, when I was still at the Minnetonka Bugle, I made the mistake of going to the Mall of America while Black Lives Matter was protesting. Noting that there was a tense atmosphere, I tried to part the crowd to get a tasty Auntie Anne’s pretzel so I’d have the energy to tell the enthusiastic young people about the value of electoral consensus, reasoned debate, and blogging as opposed to scary protests. However, in the ruckus of the crowd, I spilled my triple venti coffee all over a young lady. If you were in Minnesota at the time, you know all about the crowds that protested me as a result of this incident. I couldn’t go into work without hearing a crowd yell “FIRE COFFEE DIGGLER!” And “BUTTERFINGERS CARL HAS TO GO!”

Now, they were wrong, I didn’t spill that coffee intentionally. But the aggressive protests made me too scared to even drink coffee that wasn’t in a secured thermos for over a year. What Bill Clinton is experiencing now is quite similar to that. The 1994 crime bill is his coffee; it was a piping hot cup of joe. He sure as heck didn’t mean to spill mass incarceration on people, but try telling that to the madness of a mob. I doubt this will hurt Hillary all that much given Bill’s trademark charm and ability to stop being racist in public remarks at the drop of a hat. I’m sure they’re already circulating internal memos about how Bill should go to Hot 97 and freestyle, or play his saxophone at a HBCU.

I’m actually taking another tour of the Hillary campaign offices in Brooklyn pretty soon, so maybe I’ll see their gameplan firsthand!

I saw John Kasich ate like 8 plates of spaghetti in a deli. WTF was that all about?

– Amber in Oyster Bay, NY

If you’ve been following my coverage of John Kasich and his loyal campaign team of comical vagrants, you would know that a free hot meal is the one thing the homeless Governor can’t pass up. When Kasich entered that Italian deli in the Bronx, his eyes lit up at the sight of a king’s feast set out just for him. I can practically see Kasich floating to his table, his nose sucking up the wafting smell line of that succulent food. For a fellow who hasn’t had a good meal since winning the Ohio primary, Kasich was in hog heaven yesterday.

Kasich is also a man frequently on the run, whether from security guards, Arby’s employees, or angry farmers falsely accusing the Governor of besmirching their daughter’s honor. And as a 1920s-style hobo who lives his life on the rails, Kasich knows that fortune is fickle. One minute you can be eating a sumptuous banquet, the next you can be deep in a bare-knuckle boxing match against another itinerant, fighting for the amusement of a wealthy hedge fund manager. So he knows not to delay when seizing an opportunity. That’s the politico’s instinct that might just put him in the White House.

Yet there’s one key part of the story that other reporters failed to cover: at the end of the meal, Kasich, who was preparing to leave a courtesy tip of two Indian Head pennies, was presented a massive check. It turned out that the meal wasn’t free at all! He huddled with his top strategists, Admiral Joe and No Name, who argued that these cruel deli owners were likely trying to trap John — knowing that he couldn’t pay — into some sort of hobo slavery.

But Kasich, as an experienced politician and drifter, didn’t fall for the ruse. He announced to the chef that he was going to bathroom to charge his phone and stood up, causing all the dishes to fall on the floor due to the tablecloth still being tucked into Kasich’s shirt. Using this ruckus as a diversion, Kasich and his strategists then beat a hasty getaway through the fire exit, leaving behind one angry Italian chef to stomp on his chef’s hat and wave his wooden spoon.

Howdy, Dig Man! Reading yesterday’s article about what it would be like to grab a brewski with the candidates made thirsty… so thirsty, I remembered that I forgot to invite you to this weekend’s Essex County Craft Cocktail & Seafood Fest.

Mea culpa, Dig! But consider this your invitation to Essex County’s biggest bash of the year! You might not know this because it’s a well-hidden secret, but we here in Jersey have a burgeoning cocktail scene. Just down the street from me, at my local haunt Italiano’s, Master Mixologist Levi Rollingpin is shaking up some fancy concoctions inspired by his time growing up in Bergen County. Did you ever think clam juice and Jägermeister could ever share the same glass? Set it on fire, and you have a Levi Looser!

If you’re in the market for more postmodern fare, we can hop on the light rail to a hip new spot called Blog School. Step-by-step they’re reinventing the way we think of cocktails. Ever have a boilermaker? Well flip the script, and you’re pouring a shot of Jersey Brewery Spring Shandy into a pint of Bombay Sapphire Gin. They also have crazy straws! Can’t get that in boring old Park Slope, can you?

So whaddya say, Dig? I’ve got two tickets plus a 5 pound clam voucher with our names on ’em! With you by my side, the Essex County Craft Cocktail & Seafood Fest will be off the hizzook!

– David “The Milk” Milkberg in Essex Co., NJ

Were you drunk when you wrote this, David? I must presume so, since no sober person could have written your rambling, half-baked contention that Essex County, New Jersey has a “cocktail scene” of any note.

Why would I venture all the way to a different state when I live in the very borough that is the epicenter of cocktail craft? Why, I’d put our top five cocktail spots up against any other city’s.

Something you need to understand, David, is that clam juice-infused monstrosities are the past of cocktails. The future is artisanal spirits. This is wasted on you, but I like to get a high quality mezcal, maybe put a few mint leaves in there, and enjoy it in between Michelobs. Are you understanding this?

If you don’t get this, it’s not for you. And very little on this earth is.

Mic drop.

Carl “The Dig” Diggler has covered national politics for 30 years, and is the author of “Think-ocracy: The Rise Of The Brainy Congressman”. Got a question for the Dig? E-mail him at carl@cafe.com or Tweet to @carl_diggler.

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